His Needs, Her Needs

[jamesglewisf]

His Needs, Her Needs - Building an Affair-proof Marriage is a book by Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Harley's basic premise is that if you don't meet the emotional needs of your spouse, he or she may go find someone else who will.

What do you think of his list of needs?

Men
1. The first thing he can't do without - Sexual fulfillment
2. He needs her to be his playmate - Recreational companionship
3. He needs a good looking wife - An attractive spouse
4. He needs peace and quiet - Domestic support
5. He needs her to be proud of him - Admiration

Women
1. The first thing she can't do without - Affection
2. She needs him to talk to her - Conversation
3. She needs to trust him totally - Honesty and openness
4. She needs enough money to live comfortably - Financial support
5. She needs him to be a good father - Family commitment

Just a little clarification on attractive spouse - by calling for a wife to be attractive, he means that she should take pains to look something like the woman her husband married. "After all," he says, "that was the woman he fell in love with, not a movie star or some other fantasy."

The scary thing about this book to me was that Harley gave example after example from his own real-life counseling experiences of how not meeting these needs led to an affair.

So, what do you think of the list? Is it way off base or on target?

[Firehawk]

That sounds pretty accurate. A lot of wives don't seem to understand how important sex and being a recreational companion is to thier husband.

Then again most husbands don't understand that they won't get that unless they make sure thier wife feels very cared for and important.

[brownsmurf]

Well since I am recently married (a week and a half ago), I'll put my 2 cents in.

I think those are the bare minimums, I think men also need a day sans wife. Basically I feel that most men need a day for his friends, to play sports or to be a couch potato. Additionally I think both men and women need to feel secure, to have a high level of trust and be nurtured (emotionally and physically) by their partner.

[jamesglewisf]

Congrats on your recent marriage brownsmurf. That is really exciting. And thanks for registering and posting a message. New member number 2!

One thing you will find is that almost everybody is different. My wife and I can't stand "boys night out" and "girls night out." We spend almost all of our time together. We met each other in our church singles group where we had all the same friends and did almost everything together. Not much has changed.

She has learned to like hockey and basketball, and we go to games together. She actually likes hockey more than I do. LOL!

So, does this mean we have a worse or better relationship than you and your spouse do? Absolutely not. We're just different.

The key is to find what works for both you and your wife, and then run with it.

[Carrie Earls]

My husband Bryan and I have now been married eight years. Not very long, but long enough to have an opinion.

I think Harley is right on with his list of basic needs. I also think that understanding each other's needs is very important. However, we need to understand that each husband and wife is going to list those needs in a different order. (We are not carbon copies! And Harley does explain this in his book.)

It's important to ask your mate to list his or her needs in their own order so that you can understand him or her better. This also enables you to perhaps focus on the top two needs or so of your mate . . . not at the expense of the other needs, but just to establish a focal point.

Remember, the idea is to focus on meeting the needs of your mate, not setting out to ensure that your mate meets YOUR needs! This is a pitfall!

AFTERTHOUGHT . . .
When I read Harley's book, there was one thought that continually disturbed me. It was the thought that, if I somehow failed to meet the needs of my mate, I was perhaps partially responsible for his ensuing infidelity.

If my mate is unfaithful to me, he will stand before God to give account for his unfaithfulness, not me. I will undoubtably stand before God to give an account for my own sins, but I do not share responsibility for my husband's unfaithfulness.

One other disturbing thought I had while reading Harley's book was the idea that my failure to meet my husband's needs would almost undoubtably end in his infidelity. Not so! Don't live in fear! We all fail. My failure to meet my husband's needs does not automatically mean that he will be unfaithful. Nor does it give him license to be unfaithful!

Remember your marriage vows, faithfully try to put your mate's needs before your own, and then trust both the Lord and your mate!

[blinc]

Men
1. The first thing he can't do without - Sexual fulfillment
2. He needs her to be his playmate - Recreational companionship
3. He needs a good looking wife - An attractive spouse
4. He needs peace and quiet - Domestic support
5. He needs her to be proud of him - Admiration
---------------------
*** I'd have to say that I feel this description of a man's needs seems rather shallow. It's all about gratification for him in one form or another. It doesn't seem to touch much on the emotional depths of men. I'm not a guy, but I sure hope there's more to men then that. I am married, my husband and I will have been together 14 years this November. I really think the "women's" list below is something that should be incorporated when considering how to please a spouse. In fact, I think you could add them all together and make it pretty much universally applied to either gender. That's my opinion, and I certainly hope it hasn't offended anyone.
---------------------
Women
1. The first thing she can't do without - Affection
2. She needs him to talk to her - Conversation
3. She needs to trust him totally - Honesty and openness
4. She needs enough money to live comfortably - Financial support
5. She needs him to be a good father - Family commitment

[Wendell Holmes]

I think that by remembering the marriage vows from time to time should help couples when the time gets rough. I'm sure that all of us repeated similar vows: for richer and poorer, in sickness and health, thought thick and thin, up hill and down, (you know what I mean). I promised my bride 39 years ago that I would keep these vows before God until "DEATH DO US PART". There has never been a time when any other option occured to me. I like to think that she has felt the same. ( She is still with me! ) She bore me a beautiful daughter who bore me a beautiful grand-daughter so things have been pretty good. I feel that much of this is due to the fact that we remembered our vows before God. We have never even felt the need to renew these vows again. May God bless your marriages as He has ours.

The Fogger.

[jamesglewisf]

Everything I am saying here is a generality. Obviously, no two people are identical. No list is going to fit everybody perfectly. BUT...

Regardless of how shallow the list for men might seem, it's pretty accurate. Men and women are wired differently. Women are much more nurturing and more communicative than men. Men are typically more action oriented.

If I just got back from hanging out with the guys, which question do you think would get a better response from me?
1. What did you do?
2. What did you talk about?

Number 1, for sure. I don't know what we talked about. We played golf. I just rode around on a cart with someone for four hours, and I can't remember one word of the conversation; but I can remember that Bobby got a birdie on number 6, and Jack hit five balls into the water. We called him lakeboy the rest of the day. Oh yeah, that's what we talked about--lakeboy.

We're wired differently.

The point of Harley's book is that if my wife wants to meet my emotional needs, she is better off going to a basketball game with me than telling me about her conversation with our nextdoor neighbor.

And if I want to meet that emotional needs of my wife, I am better off asking her about who all was at the baby shower than asking her to shoot hoops with me.

Of course, the solution is for us to shoot hoops together while talking about who was at the baby shower. LOL.

[jamesglewisf]

Obviously, remembering the vows I made to my wife and in the presence of our families, friends, minister, and Creator is essential. A divorce is gut-wrenching to everyone of those people, plus any children, and to God. Divorce affects more than just me and my spouse.

That's why we don't even use the "D" word in our household. It is not an option. Quitting on your spouse is unacceptable.

BUT...I really started this thread to discuss the list of the needs. What do you think of the list?

[Wendell Holmes]

Yes, I think the list is pretty close to the mark for most men and women in general. What I was meaning to imply by the attention to the marriage vows is that a husband should be sensitive to the general needs of his wife and particularly to the special needs that come and go during the marriage. ( The up hill and down hill thing ). Same thing applies for the wife although as your list indicates the needs are quite different. I wish I knew the magic formula that make some marriages weather the storms of life and others fail, but by at least being aware of the differences and responding to them we can certainly hedge our bet. The thing that helps me make that extra effort when the going gets tough is my promise to my spouse when we took the vows. I hope this helps someone a little. Thanks for taking the time to put up a web site such as this. There are many questions in life that merit discussion and this is certainly one of them.

[ZenBeam]

When I read Harley's book, there was one thought that continually disturbed me. It was the thought that, if I somehow failed to meet the needs of my mate, I was perhaps partially responsible for his ensuing infidelity.

I think you have a responsibility to try to meet their needs. They have a responsibility to make their needs known to you. If they make their needs known, and you just continually dismiss them, I think in this case that you do have to accept some responsibility.

I never read his books, but I read a bunch of his columns on his web site, and I found them useful. I thought a bit more about what my wife wanted / needed, and tried to provide it. I also thought more about what I needed, and tried to be more assertive about asking for it.

I never thought our marriage had any problems, but even so, I feel like I have more control over our marriage. Not in the sense of controlling her, but in the sense that I wouldn't be blindsided by some problem which was brewing for a long time, and to which I was oblivious. To sum it up in three words, I'm paying attention. Well worth a little effort, when you consider the possible alternative.

[jamesglewisf]

Very well said zenbeam. Where is Harley's website? I haven't seen it.

Make sure you visit the welcome forum and tell us how you chose your member name. It sounds interesting. And thanks for joining and posting.

[ZenBeam]

Here's a link (http://www.marriagebuilders.com/)

[Carrie Earls]

I agree with Zenbeam's statement that I have a responsibility to try to meet my husband's needs, especially if he has made his needs known to me. Willfully dismissing his needs would definitely be a failure and a sin on my part, and I would answer for it. As I've said, I think we should faithfully try to put our mate's needs above our own. That's called love.

Still, if I fail in some way, he does not have license to be unfaithful to me. That is certainly the way the world operates (an eye for an eye), but it is not the way I am to operate as a Christian. If this weren't so, how would any marriage stay together? Bryan and I fail each other constantly! My husband needs to know that, even when he fails me, I will remain faithful to him and not use his failure as excuse for my own sin.

His Needs Her Needs is an excellent book. I think I would have been more comfortable if, instead of "building an affair-proof marriage", Harley's premise had been "building a more solid foundation for understanding and meeting the needs of your mate." That's the point anyway, isn't it? Knowing your mate better and trying to meet his needs?

I really was not that surprised when I read Harley's list of needs. He had Bryan and I (and most of the others in our small group) pegged!

[sleon]

My husband has a *huge* need that is nowhere on Harley's list. It's the need for me to do things for him, to support him through my helping actions. And I'm not talking about domestic chores--specifically, he needs me to help him with his work. Sometimes these are tasks he could do himself, sometimes these are things that only I can do. I haven't read the book, but this just doesn't seem to fit into the "His Needs" list. But generally, this need for a helpmate is at the very top of my husband's list.

And then, for me, one of the big needs I have of my husband is leadership, especially spiritual. I don't see this on the "Her Needs" list, but it's really important to me. I need to feel confident that my husband is leading our family in the right direction and making the right decisions--this is sort of like the trust thing and sort of like the financial thing, but for me they actually both fall under the category of leadership.

The other needs seem to make some sense, it just doesn't seem like a complete list to me. I actually like the "Love Languages" idea better.

As to the question of whether one's spouse may wander if needs are not met...I know that's true from personal experience. My ex-husband didn't meet my primary need, which is intimate friendship that develops through verbal communication, vision-sharing, etc. And I wandered. He and I both have guilt about our various parts of that...because he knows it's partly his responsibility, too. (And it is. He was selfish, I was selfish. It went both ways.)

The other thing I try to always keep in mind, though, is that there is NO perfect person on Earth who is going to totally fulfill all my needs. No way, no how. My husband is only human, and sometimes he doesn't even remember about my needs at all! So I try to forgive him in advance for that, and just keep on reminding him about what my deepest needs are and asking him to fulfill them, and then I try to keep looking out for his needs, too. And when I'm really upset about it, I pray. I don't think that God is automatically into fulfilling my needs at that point, but I generally get some reassurance from Him that our finances will be OK, or my husband will remember soon that I need him to talk to me, or whatever the current need is. That helps.

[jamesglewisf]

Thanks Sarah,

I like your two additions of spiritual leader and helpmate. My wife is a great helpmate to me. She balances me out and helps me see things from a different perspective. I am a more complete person because of her.

[cbreeze]

My 2 cents worth…..

Before I got married I didn’t take the time to ask my H his needs, I just assumed that I would learn as I go….
And in my marriage I have learned ……..

If any relationship is going to thrive…..honesty and openness is important

I’m not saying that because it is on the “her needs” list, I’m saying that because time and again I have seen the destruction of dishonesty, and silence. And it’s ironic because most men will say that we (women) talk too much.
Yet if we forget to tell our H something, they think that we’re hiding something from them. So I think honesty and openness is equally important to the men.

As for other things mentioned on the list, ( I probably shouldn’t go there) but I’ve learned that my H would rather have affection over admiration. (When I have showed him any type of admiration, he tends to find a way to push me away). And I would rather have domestic support over financial support. (he is more interested in $ , and I am more interested in peace).

I have read his needs/her needs, and a few others by Harley, and I have learned from them. But I think in reality, when reading any of these self-help books, we need to find what works for us, and commit to what we feel will work for us…..not just him and not just her. So communication is a big plus for both him and her.

And just think...with more honesty and openness, there wouldn't be so many relationship self-help books being sold....because we would know where to turn for the answer that we are trying to find in these books.

[Carrie Earls]

Well said, Sarah.

Neither my husband or I is perfect, and the sooner we all realize that about our mates, the better!

I have a lot more grace for his mistakes when I choose not to take things personally, too. Rarely does he "fail" me on purpose. He knows my needs, and I know his, but we still fail to meet them all of the time because we get wrapped up in our own concerns. It's a natural tendency called selfishness! And it's a never-ending battle to fight against, isn't it?!

Thanks for your post. I find that these needs you have mentioned are true for us, too. Love Languages is a great book, I agree! Very helpful.

[Anat]

Hi all,

I'm amazed that no one said that, but what about women's need for sexual fulfillment?

I can accept that definitions for sexual fulfillment may be different for men and women - but that's not to say women don't share this need :)

Anat

[TWTCommish]

Being 16 and single, I might not be qualified to really give any useful advice here...

..but since I grew up just in time to see my parents fight and divorce, and both have re-married, I've now gotten to see one marriage hit the rocks and fall apart, another have it's ups and downs for around 6 years, and another the same for a year or so.

First off.

Originally posted by jamesglewisf
I don't know what we talked about. We played golf. I just rode around on a cart with someone for four hours, and I can't remember one word of the conversation; but I can remember that Bobby got a birdie on number 6, and Jack hit five balls into the water. We called him lakeboy the rest of the day. Oh yeah, that's what we talked about--lakeboy.


That's one of the funniest things I've heard all week! :)

Originally posted by jamesglewisf
Men
1. The first thing he can't do without - Sexual fulfillment
2. He needs her to be his playmate - Recreational companionship
3. He needs a good looking wife - An attractive spouse
4. He needs peace and quiet - Domestic support
5. He needs her to be proud of him - Admiration


I will admit on behalf of men that looks are what first get our attention, but I think most guys are delightfully surprised when they realize there is more to it than that...to some, I don't think it occurs to them. They always think "I'll marry a pretty girl someday...", and that's it. While that's nice and all, that need being the only one filled just won't work.

With one of the marriages I'm around now, my biological father likes the whole family to be involved in his business dealings. My stepmother especially: she's pregnant, but insists on working. He's had me scheduling interviews for radio/TV shows for a couple years now. To him, having his family and his work intertwined is one of his ultimate goals.

As for admiration: I think that one differs a bit. Men are arrogant by nature usually, and like to be told they're doing a good job, but at the same time it can be uncomfortable for them if it comes from someone close to them...like a teenager getting a complement from their parents - you like it, but you sort of wish they hadn't said it. :D

For me, admiration would be more admiration of what I do: IE: I'm passionate and involved in my work (whatever it may be), and she understands that and realizes I'm not neglecting her, but that work is an important part of my life, as she is.

And of course, recreational similarities are important. I do believe both sides need time away from each other a little bit - nothing excessive, but just a bit where you can relax: not many needs you and your best friend need to fulfill for one another other than to be nice and have fun.

Originally posted by jamesglewisf

Women
1. The first thing she can't do without - Affection
2. She needs him to talk to her - Conversation
3. She needs to trust him totally - Honesty and openness
4. She needs enough money to live comfortably - Financial support
5. She needs him to be a good father - Family commitment


I'm so glad "A guy who's in shape" isn't in there! :p

I'm led into temptation like anyone else, but I don't see myself ever cheating on whoever I marry...I realize that ANYONE is capable of such a sin, but I think I fall into the group of most other people for whom it would take the oddest, strangest and worst set of circumstances to have something like that happen.

I'm working on #'s 4 and 5, building websites and doing a sickeningly large amount of babysitting, since I have over half a dozen step siblings (nevermind the exact number...lost count last year).

Sounds to me like a wife's needs are fairly simple and straightforward, and require little else than the effort to remember she needs them.

Last thing I have to say? The 4 things that whoever I marry will absolutely have to have (not trying to sound arrogant, just the way I feel):

1 - Has to understand that I am involved with my work and realize it doesn't mean I care for her any less.

2 - Has to be down to earth and realistic. I know some girls who want to be actresses and singers - but the odds say they never will be. As you can tell, I don't plan to tell my kids "You can be whatever you want to be" - they can be a lot of things, but not ANYTHING. :)

3 - Obviously physical attraction is necessary, and this may sound odd, but someone who will accept me if I'm a bit chubby later on, yet still help and encourage me to get into shape. I think more guys worry about their...ahem..."love handles" than people may realize...it's certanily not nice to look at.

4 - Must post at FrappyDoo! :)

[In_His_Shadow]

Chris,

Sounds like you are a smart young man who will make a very loving and compassionate husband one day. Just wanted to remind you that you can be praying for that wife of yours. I started praying for my daughters husbands the day they were born. I pray that the Lord is watching over them keeping them safe and pure, prospering them in all areas of their walk with the Lord.

I enjoy reading your post as you are insightful in many ways that are foreign to most 16 year olds.

Praying that he keeps you strong.

[TWTCommish]

That's a very good point: it may sound odd to some people, but praying for a spouse is not that odd/weird overall. It's the same as praying for a fulfilling career, and plenty of people do that.

And thank you for the kind words - vain will inevitably follow, but I appreciate them nontheless. I simply hope I that I can learn enough to participate in the discussions here as someone who can actually offer helpful advice to others, even if I've yet to go through what they have specifically.

Oh, and welcome to the Forums! Please stick around! :)

[Debby]

okay, the whole appearance thing bothers me somewhat...i consider myself to be a fairly attractive woman, by no means a model, but the thing is...my husband doesnt look exactly like he did when I married him, so why should I? I'm not saying let yourself go downhill or anything, but gosh, when I married him, I was 28, 5'3 115 lbs, so now I am about 15 lbs over that...no more size 3's for me...but I still think I keep myself up okay, and if a man expects a woman to look like she did when he married her...dream on...age happens.

[wdn2000]

I do not think lacking anything on this list should lead to an affair. I think having an affair shows a lack of moral standards. I think if your corrupt enough to have an affair you shouldn't try to blame it on something your spouse did not provide you with. An intelligent person would just say.."Hey..I think I am missing out on something". I personally think these list of needs just makes it OK to blame your spouse for you poor judgement.....JUST my opinion mind you....Everyone have a great Christmas!!

[RoadRunner]

:) That's not the point of the book. This isn't a list of excuses to use to blame your spouse for your affair.

This is a list of needs for husbands and wives to recognize in their spouses to help build stronger marriages and to help protect their marriages from affairs.

This is important because if I view marriage from my viewpoint, I'm going to think that my wife's most important needs are similar to mine, but they aren't. I can think I am doing a great job of meeting her needs, but in reality, I'm only meeting my own.

If I don't meet my wife's needs, then even though it is wrong, it is natural for her to be attracted to someone else who does. Hence, the affair.

Should she have had the affair? No. That is never OK.

Can she blame me for her affair? No.

Should she have told me I wasn't meeting her needs? Yes. And that's the point of the book--to show husbands and wives what their spouse's needs are. :)

[Austruck]

I find these lists a good place to start, but obviously not unbendable.

I agree that it's odd that the sexual fulfillment of the wife isn't on the list. Perhaps it can/is embedded under the "Affection" portion of our show? I'd agree that for women, sexual fulfillment will more likely come when accompanied by affection and some sort of communication. So I'd personally change that one to "Affection+" ... :) Besides, in our marriage, I think I attack HIM when the kids aren't around as often as he pursues me! :)

I'm married to a man for whom the physical attractiveness (by the world's standards) just isn't an issue. I keep thinking he's been kidding me about this, but honestly, it isn't. We've both gained some weight since our wedding day, and I think he still looks adorable and cute as a button. I don't know why I have such a problem believing that he can feel the same way about me as I do about him -- probably I listen to the line about how men are wired a little TOO much.

We've both seen pictures of each other when we were younger and slimmer (we've only been married 1.5 years), and neither one of us sighs and wishes we'd married THAT person. Odd, but great -- except when you're the one trying to lose weight! If he keeps telling me I'm still sexy, where's my incentive?? :)

For me, something that's on the list (but that I couldn't articulate well enough in my first marriage) is that I continue to be appreciated for the independently-thinking person I was when we fell in love (complete with my own set of goals and dreams). That doesn't mean my husband and I shouldn't have a combined set of goals (we do), but that I shouldn't be expected to change every hope and dream I ever had while I was single only to become someone he needs as his helpmeet. I think the two "types" of me can and should coexist with encouragement from my husband.

In other words, no matter how much a man's work is important to him, it should never end up supplanting the wife's sense of independent self -- either before God or before the world.

Amazingly, I am getting that kind of encouragement. Although I spend much of my time tending to the things on the man's list of needs for my husband (domestic support and tranquility, being a recreational playmate, etc.), including helping him in his work, he's been just as active at supporting me in my lifelong endeavor to freelance at home. His eagerness for me to succeed as I've wanted to has been infectious, and has made me appreciate how SMALL his male ego is compared to most men.

It certainly makes meeting his needs so much easier -- to the point of an eagerness I've never experienced before.

Well, can you tell I'm happy in general? :)

Good posts, good thread....

Linda

[Debby]

Wow, Austruck, I agreed with everything you said, and well said at that!

I have been married over 6 years, this is my second time also, and even though he and I have alot of problems to work out right now, the wieght thing doesnt seem to be so much of an issue for him.

He still tells me I have a sexy body, even though I am 15 -20 pounds fatter than when we met...I think it is hard for us to beleive they really feel that way, that some extra weight doesn't really bother them, because we are forced to see movies and shows constantly where the women are so slim and trim, and we think that's what a man really wants, and that if he doesn't have that at home, he would gladly jump at the chance to have it somewhere else, if the occassion arose.(no pun intended).

I get so depressed about my wieght gain, but then I look around at all the really heavy women in the world who probably would think I had it made...somehow it's still small consolation...

Anyway....I think maybe we need to beleive what our husbands say, when they say it doesn't bother them....I have seen shows on TV where men were telling there wives to lose weight, etc...and obviously they really don't love their wives. (unless it was for health reasons)


Please forgive my blabbering on here....just wanted to comment.

[Austruck]

I agree completely. I can be a very insecure person if I try (and even if I don't try). I think because both my husband and I had to suffer through all sorts of rejections in our pasts, it's been with a sense of awe that we've felt such happiness in knowing deep down there's a real commitment here. He'd been a single dad for ten years before we got together, and sometimes when we're sitting at home doing absolutely nothing but watching bad TV, he'll just stroke my arm and say the sweetest things about how happy he is. (Won't repeat them here -- my son is on this board and would probably puke.) :)

If anything frustrates him, it's actually (ironically) my ongoing questioning of how in the world he could still find me attractive. I'm sure he gets tired of having to re-tell me over and over what *really* attracted me to him, as if I either don't believe he's telling the truth (which is almost an insult) or don't believe he knows himself well enough to know (also an insult).

I think we low-self-esteem types have to remember that our ongoing negativity about ourselves might just backfire on us and influence our husbands. I have a friend who's been heavy her whole life (I've known her since 7th grade), but she's always been so self-confident and makes so much of herself and wears clothing appropriate for her full figure (instead of wearing boxy baggy big clothes like I do). She is such a head-turner, can you believe it? She's gorgeous, even if she is overweight. I asked her about this and she said she just realized in college that she'd be better off and happier if she accepted herself this way (since her then-boyfriend-now-husband did) and make the most of herself as she was. She's never looked back, and she glows.

Well, I'm off the topic, but I think I can swing it back around....

I think we have to be careful when trying to meet our spouse's needs (or when waiting for them to meet ours) not to create a negative atmosphere at home because of any lacks we perceive on either side. Beyond turning into an enabling doormat, it's probably best to put the best face on everything, even our spouse's shortcomings -- and our own.

Rambling? Yup. :)

[Debby]

wow...I think it's too bad we live so far away...you and I seem to think an awful lot alike!

I do agree that our own insecurities can do more damage than anything. I know it bothers him when I question why he still finds me attractive, and have a hard time beleiving him when he says he does.

I don't think that it's really that we are so much worried that they don't find us attractive anymore, as it is that we just really need to hear it. Make sense?

[Austruck]

Makes perfect sense. And sometimes when I know I'm asking for the wrong reason, I'll add on, "Just humor me." And, he does. :)

[Debby]

Sounds like a wonderful man :)

[jamesglewisf]

I don't like it when people insult my wife; and the only person who ever does, at least in my presence, is her. If I heard someone else say the things about my wife that she says about herself, I would pop him one in the jaw. Obviously, I don't pop her in the jaw, but the anger still rises up inside of me. I just want to shout, "Quit insulting my wife!"

Maybe this can help you understand what it is like from a guy's perspective--at least this guy's perspective.

[Debby]

That's really sweet, I hope all men feel that way, but somehow I doubt it.