What to do About Mom?

[Military Mom]

Advice, Please.... anyone!

My mother and I have always had a rocky relationship. Six months ago after my little boy was born, she stopped talking to me altogether.

About a week or so after I had Andy home from the hospital, we got into an argument over the phone. She had just left her soon to be ex husband to go live with another man. She wanted to come and see Andrew, which was absolutely fine with me. However, when she insisted upon bringing her new boyfriend AND his mother (both whom I have never met), I put my foot down. I said she and my brothers could come, but not the guy and his mom. Hey - has anyone seen the house of a 1 week postpartum mom? My whole house was a wreck, I didn't feel like squeezing into the only pair of jeans that fit me, and I just was not prepared for company outside of my immediate family.

On another level, I didn't want to meet her new boyfriend or his mom - all my life my mom has repeatedly pushed me to develop friendships with her boyfriends and I have resented this, no exception here. Besides, while her current husband is no angel, my husband and I had begun to develop a REAL friendship with him and I just didn't want to get in the middle of another one of her Bermuda love triangles. I had enough in my life to deal with as it was. I don't have the space or time to go into all the details here, and I don't want to put anyone to sleep :) But trust me, it hasn't been a bed of roses, and as much as I love my mom, I had decided to begin setting some limits with how involved I became in her love life because it gets to be too much for me.

So, we argued that day. Mom has a bad habit of saying the most inflamatory remarks during an argument - she stops trying to solve the problem and starts going for the jugular. I offered a few other ways to get together - to meet her somewhere else, but she didn't want to do that, in fact she flat out refused to come unless she could bring this entourage of unknown people with her. I said no. She promptly accused me of putting limitations on her visiting her grandson, yadda yadda yadda.... Finally, I told her to call back when she got her head on straight and hung up. She called back a few times immediately afterward, but I knew that I was too angry right then to do anything but scream.

That was the last time I heard from her until about two weeks ago. She refused to tell me her address or phone number, so I had no way to get ahold of her, except thru her soon to be ex (not a good thing). She never called, and I grew more and more depressed. I remembered that she had a PO Box (which I'd forgotten about), and wrote her and my brothers (who also hadn't called me). I told them that they were welcome anytime, what Andy was up to, what I was up to. I recieved no respone until months later my brother Adam sent me an e-mail, telling me to apologize to mom and that he missed me. (I can just imagine what she must have told them about the incident - I hope they can sort it out for themselves when they are older.) So, Adam and I emailed back and forth sporadically.

Out of the blue mom e-mailed me. She wrote about aceribic, banal subject matter - talking as if we'd never had any sort of a pause. I wanted to ring her neck. So, as some of you guys have seen me do, I launched into her pretty well, gave her a sliver of my mind. Her basic reply was to blame me for everything - "You hung up on me, your dad used to do that to me, and I won't have it; you made me feel unwanted so I didn't come around; blah blah blah." So, I told her what I needed from her in order to continue with any sort of relationship was an apology and for her to acknowledge the pain she caused. I told her she is still welcome to see Andy, but she and I have a lot to work on before we are ok.

She offered to meet me at a mall. I am going. I have no idea how act with her, or what to say. What if she brings that guy she's with now - should I just leave? I don't know what to do or how to feel. No one can tell me how to feel, I know that, and actions are based on feelings. But I have been thru so much, felt so rejected and hurt and ANGRY - -- - -

Right now, my general feeling is that I should stick to my guns about wanting to take it slow in developing a relationship with this new fellow of hers and with her. I feel like she and I are starting all over again, and I want to re-write the constitution of our relationship. Can this ever happen with parents?

Has anyone here ever been thru this kind of power-struggle / game-playing with their parents or family? What did you do?

I'm at a loss. I just want this thing to get fixed.

mm

[kezzer]

Wow! You sound like you're in a pretty tough spot. While you want your mother in you and you're son's life, she is putting you in that tough spot. I think you should stand your ground, take it slow meeting this new guy of hers. She needs to understand how you feel, and have the compassion to let you take your time with it. I hope that you two can work things out on your visit.

[Military Mom]

Thank you Kezz - how's the bambino, by the way?

It is going to be so hard to hold back or know what to say. I get so wound up over this stuff, wish I didn't.

Sorry, I know the story is long and conveluted (sp?) and there is a lot more to it. I tried to summarize as best as I could.

What it comes down to is that my life has changed - I am no longer a child. I am someone's daughter, but not a little girl. She has always had the upper hand in our relationship and is having a hard time dealing with the fact that it is both my right and my responsiblity to set boundaries where my life and my son's life is concerned. I think her new boy toy is unsavory and I don't want him anywhere near me, my house, or my child. My husband doesn't want him around either, and so that is that.

Well, even if no one has anything to tell me, it still felt good to write about it and get it out again, because I think about it a lot. Thanks for listening/reading my woes. :)

mm

[kezzer]

mm,
WHen it comes down to it, as long as you do what you feel is best for you and your family. And while I don't know the whole story, it does sound like you're in a tight spot. Don't let anyone tell you that you are wrong for doing what you believe is right, not even your mom. Again I hope that you will be able to work things out with her, without having people involved that you don't want. Good luck! :)


So far I'm doing good, starting to feel a bit more queasy though! Thanks for asking!

[jamesglewisf]

Hey MM. I agree. This sounds tough.

I think that there are a few things you are going to have to accept, and I don't mean that you need to give up your principles.

First, you want a certain kind of relationship with your mom that is not likely to happen. It sounds like her idea of a relationship with a man is to get out of it what she wants, then start shacking up with another guy and file divorce with the current husband. Then she marries the new guy. After she gets tired of the new husband, the cycle begins again. It doesn't sound like she treats you much better.

I think what you have to accept from this is that she will never be the mom you want her to be. You want her to approve of your life, and you want to approve of hers. Neither are likely to happen. (This is totally normal. We all want this from our parents.)

The next thing is you need to decide if she is the type of person with whom you want to be friends. Does her character and value-system line up with yours? If the answer is no, then you don't have to hang out with her or be her best friend.

Next, you need to realize that it is always our responsibility to be civil and respectful, regardless of how someone else is behaving. Don't stoop to her level.

Lastly, you are not going to change your mom, so quit trying. If something comes up, say it once, and then don't bring it up again. I told a friend once my opinion of his behavior, and then I never brought it up again. Not once. Not even indirectly. Not even a hint. Years later I'm still accused of being too hard on him (not back then--currently). He knows where I stand, and it is not necessary for me to ever say anything about it again.

[jamesglewisf]

I personally wouldn't let an unrepentant adulterer/adulteress into my house, regardless of who it is. Stick to your guns.

BTW, I've been gone most of the day. Otherwise, I would have posted sooner.

[jamesglewisf]

Here's something that is difficult. I feel that we have a responsiblity to care for our parents when they cannot care for themselves (old or infirm) -- regardless of how jerky they are.

My Dad's parents were just awful. Their behavior was just sickening. (For example, they took their children with them to porn movies.) One of my memories of my grandmother was that she only called our house when she wanted something from my dad, mostly money. Regardless, my father took care of her when she was too sick to take care of herself.

[jamesglewisf]

I just re-read your post. If she shows up with him, I would leave. That's not what you agreed to. If she did that, she was just deceiving you to get you there.

[jamesglewisf]

One other thing you can do is adopt a new parent. Find an older woman whom you respect and love and go to her when you need some motherly loving.

[jamesglewisf]

Originally posted by jamesglewisf
I personally wouldn't let an unrepentant adulterer/adulteress into my house, regardless of who it is. After re-reading this post, I realize how harsh it sounds. Adultery makes me very angry.

When two people get married, they stand in front of a minister/rabbi/judge, friends, family, and God; and they make a vow to forsake all others till death. Everybody who witnesses that promise has something invested in the relationship. If a person commits adultery, he not only hurts his spouse, but he also hurts his children and everybody else who relates to them as a couple. He hurts his parents, brothers and sisters, friends, cousins, and even the minister/rabbi/judge; and I believe that he hurts God.

When someone is flippant and unrepentant about all of the lives he has crushed, I don't want to have anything to do with him.

[blinc]

The games your mother is playing with your emotions sound really familiar MM. I know where you're coming from. The part where she refused to give you her phone number and address just sounds so childish - and may be her way of trying to control you. To drag your brothers into it and try to turn them against you is so childish and so mean! Oh, that part just irritates the life out of me! My mom did the same thing to us kids and family, always trying to manipulate people, playing one against the other. Mean spirited stuff!

You said something that really hit home to me, and I think you should stick to your guns on this thought:

"... it is both my right and my responsiblity to set boundaries where my life and my son's life is concerned".

You're absolutely right and that is just a perfect way to put it! You're grown up now and having someone trying to manipulate you into doing things you don't want, by playing on your feelings for them, is just wrong. Your mom sounds very immature emotionally and very vindictive on how she handles conflicts. I hope you can find a way to work things out, but don't be surprised if she refuses to act mature about things - it doesn't sound like she's ready to take responsiblities for her own actions yet... she probably never will, if she's gone on this long without growing up.

I hate to see people lose touch with family, but the last few years completely away from my parents and their games, have been, truly, the most peaceful years of my life. I wouldn't go back to having a relationship with them now for anything - unless they both had changed dramatically. If you feel that's the best thing for you to do, I wanted to let you know that it's not a decision that's painless... but in time, you find a peace that's well worth the pain of that decision. Then who knows? Maybe she'll change, so that you can find room to allow her back into your life. If that's not an option for you - then keep standing firm in your convictions about right and wrong, like you're doing now.

Maybe you could have a talk with your brothers, to let them know that you've decided on a course of action to take with your mother? It's awful sad to think that your mother has such control over their lives, that because she was upset with you, they didn't contact you either. Maybe if you keep in touch with them, let them know you're putting your foot down... at least they'll have your side of things too? Then if they still decide to not dare go against mom and talk to you... well, just shame on them is all I can say.

Good luck with your meeting MM. Let us know how it goes, will you?

[keithster]

Family is an amazing crucible. We go out into the world and make lives for ourselves and then family can come around and have us acting 8 years old just like that.

My sister had some big issues with my Mom. Sometimes I wonder if the mother/daughter thing is a tough, tough row to hoe.

Something that helped her was a book called "The Mom Factor" by Townsend and Cloud.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0310225590/o/qid=981993415/sr=8-1/ref=aps_sr_b_1_1/105-4633192-9963903

I have a pretty notion what you are up against. It seems like family should be people who love us as we are and with whom we can relax and be ourselves. Instead, we have to put up the drawbridge and man the walls to protect ourselves. It's emotional warfare.

I like the advice to find a surrogate mom. My Mom did that and it was so amazingly healthy for her (not that she didn't pull the same junk with my sister that grandma did with her).

The one thing to remember is that the healthier we grow in our lives, the more resitance and garbage we're going to get from people who choose to wallow in their stuff. It sounds like your mom and brothers are up to their necks in it.

Stand tough. You've got a different kind of family here. :)

[Military Mom]

I am glad to have so much support here. Thank you, guys.

I fully intend to stand by the boundaries I have set. It has been a bitter pill to swallow, but I have been coming to terms with the fact that our relationship has changed forever. The mother-daughter dilema goes deep, and is ancient. I know I am not alone in this struggle. Maybe when my children have grown I will understand my mother better.

Surrogate mom? Great idea - actually I have been sniffing around for one. But it's just as hard to find that kind of relationship as it is to find true friendship or love. I really would like to find it - or maybe it will find me.

Isn't it funny how all these stupid, sappy Hallmark cards are just falling off the shelves, all of them dedicated to these 'perfect matriarchs' we all supposedly have. In truth, many are like James's Father's parents and display odd, and creatively painful behavior.

If she shows up with her boyfriend (a true manipulation, I agree), maybe I will leave as soon as possible without making a scene, making it clear why I am leaving. I'm scared to do it. I may never see my mother again if I do. I am waffling on this one - thinking, is it worth it?

One thing I neglected to mention earlier ( I was trying to keep it simple) is that mom has breast cancer - she was diagnosed with it last year. The last time we spoke, she had been rid of it, having gone thru mastectomy and chemo. ALl of her hair fell out, but she beat it. Now, I hear thru the family grape vine that she is having another surgery to have her remaining ovary removed. And she mentioned that she has doctor appts every Monday. I have asked her repeatedly about her health in the most unobtrusive yet concerned manner I could, but she hasn't really answered me. I am also worried about this. Why is she taking herself away from me at the most critical time in her life? How can she not care what she misses? Why is she doing all of this - is punishing me that important to her?

My God, I know how cancer can be, I have seen sweep thru my patients at the VA. They come in thinking they just need to have a polyp removed from their colon and walk out with a colostomy bag and a death sentence. What if that is her right now, only with her breast ca? What if she has metastatic cancer now and won't tell me?? It has been harder than I can describe to see her go thru all of this - the surgeries, the hair loss, the pallor. Does she think she doesn't need me anymore?

For anyone who might be wondering, yes, I do talk to my husband about all of this. He has limited tolerance of discussing my mom, not because he doesn't care, but because it frustrates him so much. He deals with things differently than I do; he's ready to move on while I am still trying to get thru each week with the way things have been. So, every once in awhile - when it all builds up to the busting point, I get diarrhea of the keyboard and let it all out in a letter or wherever. I'm not looking for pity - trust me, I got plenty of pity for myself :) I just want to work thru this somehow.

mm

[blinc]

Will one of your brothers tell you what's going on with your mom?

[keithster]

Sometimes just getting it out helps a lot. We'll lend an ear anytime you need it. :)

I'll say a prayer for the right "surrogate" mom to come along side. My Mom's surrogate mother was one of the most amazing woman I've ever met. I am still in awe of her attitude toward life and am grateful for her special friendship with Mom. You deserve the same sort of person in your life.

[Debby]

I just read this thread....and I wish like crazy I had some really good, useful advise to give you, MM....but I don't. My mom and I were never really close, which I regret now....she died 3 years ago. She was so religious....nothing against relgion....I love god, and am a christian....but she was religious in the fanatical sense...and told me so many times how much it mattered what other people thought if me....that I became so insecure, and had such a huge inferiority complex....nothing I ever did was good enough, and I was going to hell for it. Thats not christianity. I know now, that she was sick...even then....but I didnt know it at the time. I wish I could have been closer to her....I miss her now....her mind was gone for the last 12 years before she died. I will always feel like I missed out on a mother-daughter relationship there. I don't imagine that anything I have just said will probably help you at all...MM,, guess I just needed to get that off my chest. Sorry I don't have any good advice for you, but I AM praying for you.

[PsalmReader's Mom]

MM, have you met with your mother yet? I've thought about your situation almost daily since I read your posts.

[Military Mom]

Keith, I appreciate your prayers and your support. I know you sure know what it is like to have a sick mother who you love very much. THe saddness is overwhelming sometimes. I am still on the lookout for that 'mom' heh. I'd rather have the real one while I still can, if you know what I mean.

Debbie, your post does help. I see you were put thru hell growing up too! Sometimes I wonder if our parents of that era simply thought that that was the right way to raise a child - and they didn't have the best self-esteem either. Just a thought to ponder.

PRM, I am touched that you have thought about me so much - do you know how much that helps?

No, we didn't get to meet - she never got back to me. So, we are shooting for this coming Sunday. I am looking forward to seeing her. Since my last posting here, I have eased up a bit and have become much more conversational with her. I have gotten pretty scared about losing her and I want to make our time count. Even if she has 20 years left - I still want it to be good.

Thanks again everyone. So much.

mm

[Debby]

Please let us know how it goes...we are all thinking about you.

[PsalmReader's Mom]

MM, I'm glad things are better, and I'm hoping for you that Sunday goes well. Know that our thoughts are there supporting you. I have wanted to say more than I have here, but realize this is your problem and you, being the person that you are, will solve it in your own way. Am I right? {pinky}

Just let me say that I have not always agreed with my mother's actions, just as I'm sure my children have not always been totally thrilled with mine. But Mom was diagnosed with lung cancer about 1 1/2 years ago and I find all those things that bothered me so much have faded into the background now. The time we have together is precious.

I know you are doing the right thing. Just don't (how can I say this?) give up anything of yourself in order to gain your mother's acceptance. Does that make sense? I used to do that, but now Mom and I meet on equal ground. It's wonderful. We just accept each other as we are, warts and all.

I hope you and your mother can find your way to a common ground and enjoy each other for a long time to come.

Wishing you the best.

[PsalmReader's Mom]

Unless plans have changed, tomorrow is the day. You have extended the hand of reconciliation and grace. I hope it is accepted in the same spirit. If not, come on back here and let's yack about it. Remember our thoughts are with you.

[Military Mom]

Talk about a great shoulder to lean on. Thank you for your frankness, PRM. That is what I wanted most of all. I feel the same way - I am not so prideful that I cannot put aside past hurts and relish the time I do have with Mom.

Tomorrow I go see her. I'm so glad my husband is coming with me. He is wonderful. I know he will step in on time to diffuse any potential bombs between us. I don't often like to reveal my vindictive side to others, but I know the minute my mom sees my son, she will realize what a terrible mistake she's made by hiding herself away. It's not just because I would like to see a little blood besides my own, but because I want us to get back to being friends again. I'm a better friend than enemy - I'd rather expend that kind of energy. One depletes you inside, the other makes you grow. She's my mom and I love her.

So, at 1:00 tomorrow, cross your fingers for me, lol.

mm

[Military Mom]

Sunday was a bust. It snowed so bad all day we could barely get to the store, let alone two hours away to Pittsburgh. I sent her an email as soon as I realized this, but she did't get it until AFTER she'd stood at the mall and waited for almost an hour and a half, looking for Andy and me. I just wanted to cry, knowing that, and knowing that she was probably standing there thinking I did this on purpose to her.

I did get the chance to explain this to her, I hope she understands - if not, I know I did all I could. We are in the process of planning another time to meet.

This has been sheer hell and agony, but at least there is some kind of light at the end of the tunnel - where ever that might end up being.

mm

[PsalmReader's Mom]

Well, Rats! Done in by Mother Nature, after all the waiting. Surely your Mom understood. Did she seem as though she did? I truly think that "things" happen for a reason. Maybe another day will be better anyway. Lame, I know, but hang in there. Still pulling for you. PRM {pinky}

[keithster]

You've got a few people out here holding their breath and cheering you on. Hang in there.

[Military Mom]

((((((((((Psalm's Mum))))))))))

((((((((((Keithster))))))))))

Thank you guys.

[Debby]

oh MM....I am thinking ( and worried ) about you too!!! I hope your mom realizes that it was beyond your control to see her, and that you never meant to keep her waiting.

My thoughts are with you. I wish I still had the chance to make things right with my mom...and you do have that chance....please take it. :)

[Debby]

Oh, and please let us know if you make another meeting with your mom, and how it goes.....we consider you family here...and it will worry me till I know how it went!