Trying to get back together and the house burned down

[momofmany38]

well, here i go again.......i don't know if this is the right place for me to do this.....but i really need to get this out and hopefully get someone to tell me that i am right about this.......

my husband and I have been seperated for some time now.....there were alot of problems........and granted, i was no {angel}.....but i know that what i was standing for was not wrong.......but that is neither here nor there......my point is.......we were planning on getting back together.......but the house caught fire and now, he is staying with his mom, in a 2 bedroom house......his 3 other girls are with him and they are all in ONE bedroom.......now, he wanted me to come back with him.....as you all who know me.....i have a 16 month old and a set of 4 month old twins........how on earth, could we have all fit in one room like that, with no crib or anything????? now, he is upset with me and telling me that i don't love him or i would be with him......i told him that as soon as the house was finished that we would be back, but he doesn't want to hear it......now, PsalmReader, I have tried your way, and he doesn't want to do any of YOUR suggestions..............i tried telling him that i would come back like every other week and stay for a few days so that we weren't seperated that entire time, but he didnt' want to hear it.......

here it is Valentine's day, and we aren't even talking......was i right looking out for what was best for my children......or was i wrong???? can someone help??? {confused}

[RoadRunner]

How long till the house is finished? Two weeks, two months, a year?

[momofmany38]

well, the house caught fire in January.....they said that it would be approximately 3 to 4 months before it was fixed.....


I see that I must have posted this in the right place.....and someone renamed it for me.....THANKSS!!!!!!

[jamesglewisf]

Your welcome.

I'm not sure on this one. Living in those cramped quarters would not be pleasant. Is there another option where you could all be together?

I'm not sure this if is a moral issue so that there is a right versus wrong.

I know a lot of large families that live in very small quarters like this. My uncle lived in Moscow for five years, and people there wait for years to get a one bedroom flat for the whole family. It is easy for me to lose perspective on just how great we have it here in the U.S. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but if it would help restore your marriage, maybe it would be worth it to be uncomfortable for a few months.

You say that he is on Prozac and having a hard time getting the balance right. Maybe during this period he is scared and really wants you there. It would probably help bring some order to his children's lives.

I guess I would lean toward yielding my wants to my spouse's, especially if she were suffering from depression and our marriage were on the rocks. BUT, I'm not telling you that this is what you SHOULD do.

[RoadRunner]

Here's the way I look at it. In another thread you asked for some Scripture about divorce. One of the passages given was from Ephesians. I'm going to expand the quotation to include a few prior verses. Here me out so that you don't get distracted from my main point because it will take awhile to get there.Ephesians 5:21-27
21 and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.
22 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself {being} the Savior of the body.
24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her;
26 that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless.First off, as Christians we are supposed to submit to one another. Next it says that wives are supposed to submit to their husbands. Then it says that husbands are supposed to love their wives as Christ loved the church.

The spirit of this passage is that we are supposed to humble ourselves, submit to one another and love each other. Someone could take this passage and say that your husband is not asking you to do anything immoral; therefore, you should submit to him. Someone else could look at this passage and say that your husband is supposed to love you sacrificially; therefore, he should should want you to be comfortable and wait a few months to be back together.

How do you resolve these two conflicting perspectives? I would think that the best response is to figure out what I could do in a situation, not what the other person could do. I should worry about my behavior, not my spouse's behavior. Therefore, I would yield to her wishes.

LOL! Do I always do that? Unfortunately no, but I think that is what Scripture calls us to do.Philippians 2:3-4
3 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself;
4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. So, even if your spouse's request seems unreasonable (but not immoral), and s/he appears to be unwaivering, I think Biblically, whether you are a man or woman, you should yield to your spouse's wishes.

[Austruck]

I agree with Jim on the specifics here, but egad, what a very difficult situation! momofmany, where are YOU staying? Am I missing that part? Is there no way for you two to find some THIRD place to go for now?

Also, Jim (and RoadRunner), did either of you catch that this woman has a 16 month old AND TWO 4 month olds?? Not only is she just newly out of post-partum, but her hands are so full with basic child care that there is no way she should have to cramp herself into her mother-in-law's house even for a week. The danger factor alone, with all those little ones not sleeping in age-appropriate bedding, is scary to me.

Add on the emotional stress of trying to keep watch over a 16 month old in what might not be a child-proofed house, in her mother-in-law's house (which is its own stress) while STILL trying to care for 4 month old TWINS, and you've got a huge recipe for emotional chaos for Mom!

This ought not be a battle of wills. Men don't often understand how strong the nesting instinct is for mothers (esp. new mothers like this), and wouldn't care a whit if they had to cram into one room, as long as they have room to throw their dirty socks on the floor and the remote in their hands. (I'm being facetious here to make a semi-humorous point.)

But yet, the woman will be MISERABLE trying to make a nest, a home for everyone in even normal circumstances. Which stress does she give in to: the one of taking physical care of her three VERRRRRY young children, or the one of cramming into her mother-in-law's house during a time of marital conflict, or the one of probably still dealing with fresh memories of a lost home while battling post-partum ups and downs?

That's not even counting into this the Prozac issue that was asked about in another thread on here.

I think in this instance in particular, it is the husband's duty to go the extra mile here and take charge and find a way to make SOME sort of better temporary arrangements for his family.

That's my two cents.

[RoadRunner]

I agree totally that the man should yield on this one. 100%. But what do you do when he won't? I can't control my spouse's behavior. I can only control mine. Leaving him is not an option for the Christian. The world says that if you have irreconcilable differences you separate or divorce. That is not an option for believers.

I agree about the 16-month-old and two 4-month-olds. I agree that this is not a good situation. I think her husband is being ridiculous considering the children, but how do you handle a situation where the husband is being unreasonable but not immoral? He's not asking her to prostitute herself. He's asking her to live in cramped living quarters for 3-4 months. I totally disagree with him, but he is not asking for her to violate God's law.

I agree with Austruck that you ought to try to find another place if you can.

[jamesglewisf]

Let me add to what I said.

I think a solution is to seek wise counsel or a wise person to mediate. Find a minister or someone whom you both respect, explain the decision, and let him correct your husband.

I want to emphasize also that I think your husband is being unreasonable. I agree with you totally that you should be able to wait a few more months and visit like you said. Unfortunately, spouses can be unreasonable. Our challenge is how to live Biblically in spite of it.

One of the hard truths of the Christian life is that sometimes we have to suffer unjustly, but Scripture does address this:
1 Peter 3:14-18
14 But even if you should suffer for righteousness' sake, you are blessed. "And do not be afraid of their threats, nor be troubled."
15 But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts, and always be ready to give a defense to everyone who asks you a reason for the hope that is in you, with meekness and fear;
16 having a good conscience, that when they defame you as evildoers, those who revile your good conduct in Christ may be ashamed.
17 For it is better, if it is the will of God, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.
18 For Christ also suffered once for sins, the just for the unjust, that He might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh but made alive by the Spirit,I can give you all kinds of Scripture about how your husband is behaving inappropriately, but at the end of the day you still have to figure out a way to make things work. All I really did in my first post is tell how I would do it. I'm sorry if it sounded like I was siding with him. I definitely am not.

It is truly unfortunate that the one man who is supposed to nurture you and treat you like fine china is the one who is being such a big pain in the butt. I'll be praying that he turns around and starts talking sense.

[momofmany38]

Thank you everyone......but let me say a few thing here to some of the questions that were asked to me and what I have tried do about this situation.....

first off, I am staying with my mother......100 miles away from my husband......this is VERY difficult to start with....and as i said, i have been away from him on and off for a year.....thus the reason that he filed for the divorce in the first place......he said that he filed it not because he didn't love me but because he was hurt and in his own way, retaliating........does that make sense? in a way, it does to me.....but in another way, being the christian that he is......i am not sure....{confused}

now, I have been talking with PsalmReader for a while now......and she suggested the same thing.....about making "other" arrangements.......my husband says that it is necessary that he stay with his mom so that he can cut expenses while the house is being redone......i suggested to him about the motel room and he said that it would just cost too much......he can't leave his home area because of his work......

my dilemma is that i WANT to be with him, but I want to make sure that my children are WELL taken care of.....I want to make sure that they will be safe.....and no, his mom's house is NOT child proofed.....and his mother is older and not in the best of health, which is another reason that he said that he needed to be with his mother.....i feel that i am wrong either way i turn....i feel that if i go over there to be with him, that i am letting down my children by not being the best mom that i can be by watching over them and putting them first, but then on the other hand, should i stay here, i feel that i am failing my husband as i know that he DOES need me.....i am very {confused} by all of this......that is why i felt the need to come to all of you ......and what you have told me, has been EXTREMELY helpful......so, THANK YOU.....

and yes,I have become VERY stressed out by all of this....i feel as though i am going to go {dizzy}......either way i turn, i feel as though i am the failure.....i will tell you that i again, have not been PERFECT through all of this.....FAR FROM IT......i have been alot of the cause of the pain and problems in this marriage......but, NOW, i can HONESTLY say that I know that my place is with my husband and OUR family.......but again, when is the time????

I am sorry, I feel as though I am burdening everyone......i really don't mean to.....but with my children and all the things that we do throughout the day, i don't have ANY time for myself....let alone an appointment with any dr's....i know that i really should because all of this is REALLY taking a toll on me.......again,I am sorry......and again, THANK YOU EVERYONE......

[jamesglewisf]

You are definitely not burdening anyone. Unloading is what FrappyDoo is for.

I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time.

[momofmany38]

Thanks Jim......you have been a GREAT help {mm}

[Austruck]

I'm sorry but I don't buy your husband's response that he has to stay with his mother because she's not in good health. How would he ever move out when the house is done if that's true? Will she suddenly be in GOOD health at that time?

And frankly, if she's in bad health, I CANNOT see how cramming six children and two adults into her small house will help her out at ALL.

Did you have homeowner's insurance that would have paid for a place to stay while your house is being rebuilt? If not, is there a month-by-month leased, furnished apartment somewhere?

Why doesn't HE move in with your mom?

I feel as if he is unfairly making this a battle of wills, in order to prove his authority or something. (I was married to a man who did this to me constantly, and it was subtle stuff like this, buried in half-truths.)

Concern for his mother should NOT come before concern for you, no matter what has happened before. Of course you were part of the problem in the marriage. Aren't we all? He's the other part. I was part of the problem in my first marriage, even though he was the one who brought on the actual divorce.

Now, I disagree with what RoadRunner said about separation not being an option for a Christian. I think he'd find that many MANY conservative pastors see separation as a viable option to get the wayward party's attention, as long as the goal of the separation is not to be a prelude to divorce.

But, I'm nitpicking.

You're probably way beyond being able to plead with your husband to come to you or meet somewhere else (I know the feeling--after a while no pleading is heard the way you're saying it, and I have no idea whose fault that becomes).

I agree that you can only control your own responses, not your husband's. But, Jim and RR, I see a *real* safety issue with those three diapered children in the house. That has to come first. He may not be asking her to prostitute herself, but he is asking her to put their children into an unsafe situation. Watch the news to see how many child deaths there are from seemingly innocent things: mini-blind cords, electrical outlets, stoves, cribs and mattresses, blankets and pillows, medicine cabinets, cleaning products.

An unchildproofed house is no place for three very young children to be CRAMPED into, with nowhere to go but exploring the new digs while their mother tries to keep her head on straight and handle the emotional wrangling with her husband (and probably her mother-in-law too).

Is there a pastor or other Christian man in your husband's scopes who could help impress upon him his need to keep everyone's true needs in mind?

Honestly, the idea of *having* to stay with his mother just rings very hollow to me. That then means there is some other reason he's insisting. It's either a power trip or just that he doesn't want to leave his own comfort zone. Either way isn't good.

My two cents (okay, probably FOUR),
Linda

[momofmany38]

Thanks Linda.......you are absolutely right.....his mom is 80 years old and was not doing good even when we were living TWO minutes away.....every evening, he sent one of the girls over to grandmas so she wouldn't be alone and i made sure that i sent her dinner.......i love my MIL very much and I know that she is in need of her family.....i won't take that from her....but come on.......

as for the homeowner's......yes, it covered "living expenses" while the home was being redone......but he said that he needs that money for "other" things.....such as paying for the mortgage and other things......so to stay anywhere else would be defeating the purpose.....GO FIGURE!!! but.......I have tried EVERYTHING.....and now, I get a letter with my V Day card that says that I will NO LONGER HERE FROM HIM......until i decide that I "want" him and OUR marriage.......i have written him SEVERAL times and told him of my love and intention on returning, but now he says that I never was going to come back......yes, i am very {fire} no matter what i try or do, it just doesn't seem enough......he says that he has spoken to a counselor....and as for talking to the father of the church.....well, he suggested that my husband divorce me!!!! that is something that STILL flabbergasts me.....{eek2}

[Karenluvs6]

I know a lot of large families that live in very small quarters like this. My uncle lived in Moscow for five years, and people there wait for years to get a one bedroom flat for the whole family. It is easy for me to lose perspective on just how great we have it here in the U.S. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but if it would help restore your marriage, maybe it would be worth it to be uncomfortable for a few months.

You say that he is on Prozac and having a hard time getting the balance right. Maybe during this period he is scared and really wants you there. It would probably help bring some order to his children's lives.


Well said!
You are right to worry about your children, but your marriage needs you too. It may help your relationship if your husband knows you are willing to do this one thing he asks of you. He surely will know you love him!
I wish you much luck and I'm going to pray for you and your family.

[RoadRunner]

Originally posted by momofmany38
he says that he has spoken to a counselor....and as for talking to the father of the church.....well, he suggested that my husband divorce me!!!! that is something that STILL flabbergasts me.....{eek2}

It sounds like it's time to find a new church.

[momofmany38]

I agree with you RR......and I have told him so......but I get that this "Father" knows what he is talking about......go figure!!!!

and Karen, I have told him that I would be willing to come back and stay elsewhere....with the children, but I definitely needed more room for the children......with appropriate living quarters and bedding for the kids.....but he says that that isn't possible until the home is finished.....thus, leaving me with the dilemma....i would love nothing more than to be with him.....but i just am VERY {confused} and frustrated {smash}

[momofmany38]

WEll, I have made a decision.....I am returning, WITH THE KIDS, to my husband NEXT sunday.......I have thought long and hard about this.......i am COMMITTED to my husband and I cannot do much 100 miles away......i know that it is going to be harder with the kids, but in the end, i know that it will all be worth it......so to everyone who contributed......THANK YOU.......I will continue to write when i can....

[jamesglewisf]

That must have been a tough decision. We'll pray for your marriage, the safety of your family, and the speedy repairs of your home.

[RoadRunner]

I don’t think what is happening is fair, but I commend you for the choice you have made. I thought of some verses that might be a comfort to you in your decision. They talk about how God is honored when Christians suffer unjustly.
1 Peter 2:19-24
19 For this finds favor, if for the sake of conscience toward God a man bears up under sorrows when suffering unjustly.
20 For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But if when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God.
21 For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps,
22 who committed no sin, nor was any deceit found in His mouth;
23 and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously;
24 and He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed.
I’ve heard it said that we tend to think that the love of Christ will separate us from tribulation, but Paul says that tribulation will not separate us from the love of Christ.
Romans 8:35-39
35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
36 Just as it is written, "For Thy sake we are being put to death all day long; we were considered as sheep to be slaughtered."
37 But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us.
38 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers,
39 nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.Joseph—The better he acted, the further he got demoted. Jacob—the more he enriched Laban, the more Laban changed his wages. David—the more he honored and devoted himself to Saul, the more he suffered. Joseph, Jacob, and David were all pretty good men, but they still had to labor and do the right thing, even when they had to go through suffering.

God will honor your hardship.

[RoadRunner]

I thought I better make something clear. No woman, child, or man should ever endure physical or sexual abuse as part of any relationship. Never. When I say suffering unjustly, I do not mean that anyone should suffer unjustly in those ways.

God is the protector of the defenseless. He never condones domestic violence, and neither should we.

[Debby]

Momofmany.....I just got done reading this thread....I am praying for you...and worried also. I hope all goes well....if you need to talk, you can e-mail me...I don't have any children like you do...so I know you are in a much worse circumstance....and also it would be terrible to have your house burnt down, I can't even imagine what you are going through.....but I know my husband and I have had alot of problems lately....and it it sooooo hard to keep marriage going well.....and being close to your age, even though I don't have the children like you have....I think I can relate somewhat to you here....although, your situation is obviously much rougher with such young children and all...I hope it doesnt seem like I am babbeling here.

I wish you the best, and hope the reconciliation goes well....keep us posted, I don't know you....but I feel your pain.

If you do want to e-mail me....let me know and I will send you my e-mail. otherwise we can just talk on here.

[Austruck]

momofmany,

I too will be praying for you as you make this transition. I do hope that your husband will see your compromise as you mean it -- as a symbol of your love and dedication to him. (I've been in situations where I did give in to my first husband's wishes, only to have that thrown back in my face with a big, fat "I told you I was right!") I hope that this realization will help him to make sure the transition goes well for you and the small children.

If there are any safety concerns, be sure to mention them to him promptly. You sound as if your spirit is on target, so as long as you can maintain that loving attitude that comes from your posts, he should be able to see your concerns as legitimate and not nagging or anything.

I'm praying for a speedy building of the new home!!

Blessings,
Linda