the truth hurts

[jodyb_72401]

well wanted to thank everyone that replied to my first tread. But most of you were right my ex wife wants her cake and eat it to. This was her wekend to have the baby but she put a gueilt trip on my so she could go out with her friends. Like nxt saturday i asked my ex mother in law to watch the baby so me and her could go out. But it is my weekend with the baby and my ex said she allready made plans to go out with her friends that they were go to the ocean. She told me she wanted to work on us but sshe isn't going to give up her friends. This wouldn't be a problem if her friends were females but they are all males. I do love her. I have never had feels for anyone else like i do her. How do u put the hurt behind u and move on wiht your life. When as soon as i feel like i i can live with out her she startes to say that she has feels for me still. Like we were talking the other day and she said she has kissed a friends of hers but she stayed over there last night. well i i feel like a fool for feeling the way i do towards her. I still love her but want the hurt to stop

[jodyb_72401]

there is one thing i forgot i told her bad it hurt me when she goes and stays out with her male frineds like that. and she siad she didn't know if she could give them up and didn't want to try untill we started counseling. But i told her i didn't want to starte off by one of us hurting and that hurts me pretty bad. But i was nice and polite about everything i know u can't make someone do something that they don't want to do. I just felt it would be best if i told her how i fell about it. Honesty is the best policy. but the truth does hurt

[blinc]

I'm so very sorry for the pain you are obviously feeling Jodyb.

I think you're making the first step towards moving on already, and may not even be aware of it. You've decided you want the hurt to stop. Big first step! :) It's only natural to feel you still love her - unfortunately love can't be shut off like a lightswitch, in order for the pain to stop. It sure would make situations like this easier, if it worked that way huh? You shouldn't feel like a fool - it only means that you are a person who feels love deeply... nothing wrong with that at all.

There are a couple things that you may want to try, to help you get over the worst of the pain... things that worked for me when I decided to leave my ex, for his unfaithfulness. Don't know if they'll work for you - but sure hope they do.

One of the things I did was make a list of pro's and con's about him as a person. The reasons I loved him -vs- the bad things about his personality. You know, the bad things outnumbered the good - which was rather strange. Next I took the list and ripped it down the middle... dwelling on the good things only caused pain for that period of time. So, I hid the "good" list in a drawer and taped the bad things up on the fridge. Everytime I felt myself falling into despair over losing him, I looked at that list and asked myself... if I met a guy like this today, knowing all these character flaws, would I allow myself to become emotionally attached to "this" type of person? The answer was a definite "No, I wouldn't - I would have run like crazy in the opposite direction".

Next, I made a list of my good qualities... no bad stuff allowed at that point. I taped that up on the cupboard door. To reaffirm that I was a person who deserved better! I deserved (and so do you) a person who was willing to be faithful, loving and actually cared about my emotional well being. In your case, I think you should make a list to put up there, right next to your good list, for your daughter. List her good qualities, and reaffirm that she also deserves good things and happiness in her life.

Now, stand up for yourself. Set down some rules for your life and for your daughter. No more mind games are going to be allowed to be played on you. I'd stand up and tell her to her face, or if it's easier for you - call or write a letter. Tell her you've decided to move on... that it is too painful to continue on in this way... that you deserve better and you've decided to make a new life for yourself. Tell her that unless it's an emergency, or unless it has to do with an issue with your daughter, that you don't want to hear from her right now, until you are over her. If I'm guessing her personality right - she won't like that at all - because to be blunt - I'm thinking she's keeping you as a "fallback" person in her life. If she really did love you - she wouldn't insist on seeing other men... let alone spend the night at their house. That in itself speaks volumes about her true intentions, in my eyes.

Get busy. Find things that will keep you occupied. Volunteer. Make a daily habit of taking your daughter to a park. Find and do anything that will fill up the hours of your day with positive things. Don't turn to drinking... it'll only end up depressing you more and it will take longer to get over things, since being in an alcohol daze doesn't allow you to resolve any issues in your mind and heart - it only brings problems of it's own. Take that from someone who's been down that road too!

I'd really recommend that you don't look for another relationship right away. You need time to heal, time to get your life going down a positive road first.

Believe this too, ok? Even though you are probably feeling that you'll never fall in love again... that no one will be as "great" as your wife was... don't belive that. I believe with all my heart, that there is someone just for you out there in the world. Someone who will love you back, as much as you love them. Someone who will make the commitment to the degree you deserve. When the time is right - you will find that special person. You will fall in love again and you will be happy again. As much as you might not believe that right now - it will happen if you open your heart to the possiblity.

When you've reached the stage when you are finally over her, maybe 6 months, maybe a year... go ahead and pull that list of her good qualities back out. She is the mother of your child and as such, there is the need to remember her good points as well. Not just for you child's sake, but for yours as well. When the pain is gone, then you'll be able to look back at the good times with a fond rememberance in your heart... but without the pain it's causing you now.

Like I said earlier, this really helped me - I'm not sure it will work for you, but it's sure worth a shot at this point.

Hang in there Jody - life will get better if you believe in yourself and your self worth. I'm rooting for you to pull through this and find the happiness you so much deserve. Put your chin up, plant your feet firmly and start doing what's good for you, ok?

Sending you a big ol' cyber hug right now.

[Debby]

Wow....what Blinc said was right on the money!!! And wanting the hurt to stop is the first step, though sometimes it is hard to chose between wanting the hurt to stop, and giving up the one you love.

Let us know if we can at all be of help to you, we are here for you....I think Blinc pretty much said everything I wanted to say. Hang in there....but if she is not willing to givwe up her male friends for you...either she doesn't value you enough, or some sort of a compromise must be reached.

[jodyb_72401]

Thank u so much for the advice Blink. But i never do drink when i am depreesssed I also learned that along time ago that it makes things worse. I am going to tell her today that i can not handle working on a relationship if she isn't able to meet me half way. I told her that it does bother me that she spends the night over at guys houses but she said when she doesn't have the baby, she feels that she should be able to do what she wants to do. I asked her if she wanted it to do something next sat night ( it is my weekend with the baby, and her mom said she would watch her for me for a couple of hours but she said she had allready made plans to go out of town with her friends) So i figure it is more inportant for her to be with her friends then it is with me and try to work on things. We have been seporated for over a year now and she just told me recently that she wants to try and get counsleing and work things out. I was dating someone else but broke up with them to work on us. But looks like i made the wrong choiice. Thnsk u for the hug and all the good advice

[Debby]

We are all praying for you....please let us know how it goes. We are here if you need to talk. :)