Tension and hurt feelings

[Nise]

hi guys, I need some help. As most of you know I have a two year old son. I also have a nise that is 15 months old. My DH's parents treat her very differently than they treat my son and it really bothers me. I know my son doesn't notice it now...but I'm afraid that he will soon. Monitarily speaking they treat them the same. Always spend on each child the exact amount of $. However affection towards the two is different. My MIL always say things like "oh, I just love this baby girl sooo much" and she says it like a thousand times when we're around.. they Kiss her. carry on with her tell her how beautiful she is. My son on the other hand might get a little attention and one kiss or one I love you. Then they kind of ignore him in comparison. My Dh has just now started to notice the difference...I've noticed since she was born!! I love my nise, but it hurts me to think that someday my son might begin to notice and feel the differences between the two.
What can I do?? I don't want to have angry feelings towards them but I fear I just might!! Can anyone help me out here?

[RoadRunner]

I know I'm an idiot, but what is a DH? Designated hitter? I'm lost.

[Nise]

dear husband...sorry

[Nise]

No advice for me RR?

[RoadRunner]

I've heard a lot of advice on what to say to your kid if you have a deadbeat ex-husband or ex-wife that shows no interest in your child. Obviously, that would be even tougher than a grandparent that shows favorites.

The basic advice is to teach your kid that life is not always fair, that not everyone acts the way they should, and that our responsibility is to behave appropriately in return regardless.

The general thought is that people tend to start sheltering their children from inequities in life at an early age and it creates teenagers and adults who think that life is always supposed to be their version of fair. Unfortunately, that does not line up with reality. People get sick. People die. People get divorced. People get fired for no reason. Bad stuff happens because we live in a fallen world with imperfect people.

It's not easy to explain this to a child, but favorites are a part of life. You'd like to think that it wouldn't happen with grandparents, but it does.

I would just ignore it until your son brings it up because it might change with time. Your niece might turn into a little hellyun, and that will fix it. Or she might always be the favorite.

If he does notice it one day, just explain that we are not supposed to show favorites with anyone. I don't have time right now, but I'll give you some Scripture later tonight or tomorrow. Teach him that his response should be to love unconditionally and have a heart of forgiveness. We behave above reproach regardless of the behavior of those around us. It is also a good opportunity to explain that just like children, grandparents and parents do not always behave appropriately. Give him the opportunity to point out to you if you ever show favorites. Children need to be able to respectfully rebuke us and know that we will respond to it correctly.

BTW, I don't think there is any way that your DH can talk to your parents about this unless they are very humble and receive correction. Most of us are not, and that is a lesson for all of us.

[RoadRunner]

James 2:1-4
2:1 My brothers, as believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ, don't show favoritism. 2 Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in shabby clothes also comes in. 3 If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, "Here's a good seat for you," but say to the poor man, "You stand there" or "Sit on the floor by my feet," 4 have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?

[RoadRunner]

Romans 12:17-21
17 Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. 18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. 19 Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay," says the Lord. 20 "But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals upon his head." 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

[jamesglewisf]

You and your husband know whether or not his parents respond well to correction. If they don't, then I think you need to just get over it. I spent too much of my life trying to be everyone else's Holy Spirit. He doesn't need any help from me to convict the world of sin. I spent most of my life frustated because people did not change and alienated because they didn't want to have anything to do with me.

Now I just quit worrying about trying to make everyone else conform to my viewpoint. I'm much happier and much more popular with my friends and family.

Now I spend more time worrying about my shortcomings than everyone elses.

[jamesglewisf]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but you are a momma. Your perception of the world does not line up with your son's perception of the world. He'll probably never think twice about it, and you'll spend hours upon hours fretting over it. The best thing would be to follow his lead. You won't change anything by worrying whether or not he's going to notice.

I sometimes have to remind my wife that she is a deplorable predictor of the future. She worries about countless things that never come to pass. We all want our kids to live happy, carefree lives; and we fret hours away worrying about it instead of living happy, carefree lives ourselves.

[jamesglewisf]

I think it would be good for you and your husband focus on loving your child and his grandparents. He will learn to love unconditionally from you. If you love your husband's parents and always focus on the positive about them in front of your son, then your son will learn to love them the same way, regardless of their behavior. If he senses your resentment, then that is what he will imitate.

Model Christ who demonstrated his love for us in that while we were yet sinners, he died for us.

[Nise]

Thanks Guys....Sometimes I just need a little reminder that I have to be the adult that I am. I just find it very hard to watch my nise being lavished with love while my son gets very little attention. My son is very independant and he doesn't like to be smothered...which in a way is kind of what they do to my nise. She is still young...but I bet she starts pushing them off of her before long!!! Thanks for the scripture RR...and for all your words of wisdom!!! YSIC Nise

[Nise]

Thank you too Jim!! You did not offend me. I often need to be reminded to treat them with love. My MIL and FIL do not attend church and I'm not completely convinced of their salvation. Often I think their behavior may be a result of that. Their love is definately NOT unconditional...but that's a different story...for another time. Thanks Again!!

[jamesglewisf]

One of the ministers of my church came and spoke to our married adult class. He had something interesting to say. He said that he prays for tribulation for his children - not because he wants them to have a hard or painful life, but because...Romans 5:3-6
And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; 4 and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; 5 and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. He helped his children memorize Psalm 23Psalm 23
1The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
3 He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name's sake.

4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil; for Thou art with me;
Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.
5 Thou dost prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
Thou hast anointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

[jamesglewisf]

His point is that it is better for young people to learn how God will sustain them through tribulation while they are still at home than to wait until they are out on their own without parents to guide them.

He used to occassionally do something interesting with his kids. When they asked for something, sometimes his default answer was, "No." If they responded with whining, the answer stayed no. If they responded with a happy heart, then he would tell them something to the effect of, "I am impressed by your composure in the face of adversity. You may do...whatever they asked." His wording was much better than mine, but that was the thought he communicated.

He was trying to teach his children that life is not always fair, they wouldn't always get the outcome they desired, and sometimes bad things happen. In spite of all that, we know that God loves us and knows what is best for us.

Tribulation is not necessarily the worst thing for us. In some instances, it might be the best thing for us. As a parent, it is hard to remember that. I want to shield my child from all pain, but that is not what is best for her. My brain knows this, but my heart doesn't always know it.

[jamesglewisf]

I'm amazed by how many adults in the church run and hide the first time something bad happens to them. If someone in SS class is rude, they quit the church. If the pastor doesn't visit their sick mom in the hospital quickly enough, they change churches. If a loved one dies, they turn their backs on God.

What I see in these instances are people whose parents did not teach them how to persevere through adversity, how to hold close to God when the waves are crashing in. These are people who don't recognize the sin in their own lives, so they hold grudges every time someone else blows it.Proverbs 14:4
4 Where no oxen are, the manger is clean,
But much increase comes by the strength of the ox. What on earth does this verse have to do with anything? If you want a clean barn, one without any manure in it, then don't keep any oxen. Just know that you'll lose all of the work that oxen can accomplish. If you are going to get the benefit of having people around, you are going to have to live with some poop. They are going to mess up the place. We have to teach our kids that they cannot expect sinners to behave sinlessly. You have to take the good with the bad.

[Nise]

You've given me a lot to think about! I really appreciate all your help sorting this stuff out....the "poop" and all!!

[Stormwind]

Originally posted by Nise
What can I do?? I don't want to have angry feelings towards them but I fear I just might!! Can anyone help me out here?

From experience, and a long, long time ago:
My father adopted me, and I have a sister, who is technically my half sister but we NEVER were treated differently at home and to my Dad and to each of us, there is no difference between us. Our parents are the people who raised us.

But his Mother treated me differently from my sister, fussing over her more, giving different types of gifts etc. I think it annoyed my mother, but she never made a big deal of it until I mentioned it as an adult. I did not notice when I was small, but I did notice a little bit when I was older. By the time I was a teen, she was gone.

As an adult I understood where she was coming from. That doesn't make it right on her part, but since it really didn't affect me that much when I was small, my mother was right to not make any mention of it to me. Doing so would have simply made me notice at an earlier age.

The point is that your son will notice if you make a big deal of it and possibly not notice or care if you don't. Be the bigger person. If you honestly think it will do any good, you or rather your husband might mention it to his Mother, but I would bet that she won't acknowledge that she treats the girl grandbaby any differently than the boy grandbaby. It honestly may be simply that she is of the school that thinks girls should be fussed over more than boys, rather than the situation like I grew up in.

I always hated injustice aimed at my son, but sometimes there just isn't anything a Mom should do about it but sit back and let them figure it out. Discuss it if it comes up but remember to try to help them put themselves in the other person's shoes and try not to let your anger intrude on explaining to your son. Children need your love and will be secure based on your love, not the treatment by others.