People who just don't care about other people's feelings/opinions/needs!

[muscratgrrl]

Heeelp.

This is NOT a husband gripe, just a gripe that happens to be about mine.

I keep thinking it's me, but my husband never volunteers any encouraging remark about anything. He completely blows me off and then acts like my opinion doesn't matter.

I know I need to listen more in-depth, and really work on it, but can I at least get a *tiny* bit of enthusiasm about something??? He was terminated from an employer (wrongfully) and this week was the last unemployment check. I was out of work for a YEAR and just started last week at a new job, which is great, but very stressful. I had to take considerably less money and make a move from salaried to hourly, but I absolutely did not complain because WE needed me to do it.

Now, he has one job where it is extremely likely he will get an offer. It's a lateral move in a new industry, same field, and the pay is so-so. On the other hand, he has a move up position paying over 25% more that is imminent as well, but it's the same field and industry that he was in before. He was really successful at it and was a top performer.

This is all totally hypothetical anyway, but I told him I thought that if he got the offer making considerably more, that I thought he would have to take it so that we can survive financially.

He said he didn't "feel like" working at that type job again, and he said me that the decision was his and his alone. I mean, he's right, but does he hafta put it that way? I don't really feel like doing what I'm doing either, but I make myself like it and show enthusiasm because I don't want to be a drag and it's what we need right now.

I think I would have said something - in a completely neutral tone of voice- that we could absolutely talk about it. Or even that WE would make the best decision at the time. I guess I'm feeling invalidated. It's not just this, either, but he acts like I'm crazy for being upset.

MY problem is that I can push my opinion really really hard with him because I have Many problems in the past getting myself aknowledged (by him). I haven't noticed that other people are complaining about me being insensitive or pushy, so I don't *think* I'm being that way (But if I was insensitive, it follows that I wouldn't know, right?!?!.) I really do love other educated or experienced opinions. (I DO like some impassioned, two-people-sparring-but-not-taking-it-personal debate. Even if I don't agree, I am happy to admit someone has a good point is all...)

I am still not done with my bachelor's because I am working FT and have to stop classes intermittantly due to health concerns. It would just be nice if how I felt about something was important, or mattered, or if the 2 of us could focus together one resolving one of "my" goals. Does anyone else have a spouse or close friend where their problems are "Ours" and Your problems are Yours alone??? Every once in a while, a nice "Atta Girl!" would keep me going.

I think maybe something to do with it is the age difference??? Hs oldest son is less than 10 years younger than me and I think sometimes he thinks I'm his Kid - or maybe his employee- instead of a wife or contemporary.

Is there some trick to not letting this get to me? How in the world do you cope??? Lord help me, but I struggle a lot with pride and I am trying so hard to be humble.

Ok, I feel a little better getting it out. Just *ignore* if I sound crazed. :)

[Justawoman]

Well you described my spouse to the letter when you typed about yours. I use to tell myself that when we first got married (20 years ago next month) that he was not this negative or cynical. But as I come to grips with the reality that this is his viewpoint on life (my probs are mine alone but I need to be able to interject and fix yours honey) I realize he has always been this negative with himself and life's situations in general. I also began (about 6 years ago, a little late I know) to really watch his parents and how they treated each other. I alway thought, in our early married life, that his parents were the most respectful and loving of each other. But as I truly watch them I realize they can be some of the most disrespectful and cynical people I know. They live together seperately. That is how I feel at times around our house. Like you, I use to try and "fix" this problem by being better myself. But all I got out of it was more respect for others, myself, a more capable ability to look pass the negative and see the good in all situations. Which in fact are all good things and have allowed me the ability to pretty much handle any negative situation. I can't fix my husbands outlook on life. I can't be his happiness. I can't make him want to be more positive and supporting. I finally realized he is loving me and our children to the best of his ability and how he was taught as a young man to love others. Now that I have quit taking everything so personal that he does or says (from decision making to finances to how he treats others) I can see his better side coming out. Why? I don't know. I personally think it is because I quit being his conscience. I finally took some of my mothers advice. " If you love him just love him. Don't knock yourself out doing so if it is not what he wants. After all he is a grown man and if he doesn't know better by now, he may never do better for the rest of his life". That one bit of advice sure took the pressure off me. After all, all anyone can do is love their fellowman for who they are right now and just work on ourselves.

[muscratgrrl]

I am going to print out your response and read it to digest it.

I went downstairs just now to his computer to find a website. When I clicked on the history, he was visiting Miami Dolphin Cheerleader websites- we are Miami football fans at home. My friends say that I am too picky and that it doesn't count. When I confront him, he says he clicked on it on accident. (which would be believable, but the properties show it was visited 3 times, I'm not that stupid.) I understand it's not "smut" per se, but I feel like dying and curling up in a little ball. I understand, because I am an extremely visual person and struggle with lust- this is exactly why I completely avoid these types of things- in person and on the computer, etc. How am I supposed to discipline my stepson for this if his flesh and blood father is doing it?!?! Talk about hypocritical.

I want to work on resolving this. We can ALL find emotional and intellectual stimuation elsewhere, but I think I have some awful form of buyer's remorse because that was my (unreasonable???) expectation of him when we got married- I was married before at 18 for 5 years. He was absolutely wonderful before we were married...maybe HE regrets ME. Now, I have been married 2.5 years, he's 39 and I'm 25. I'm already younger than him, I feel like he's going after 19 year old cheerleaders and next I'll be too old. I am waaay too young for this. I'm partially angry because I know I'm not unattractive and he took a big step up from both of his ex-wives, if there's any way to say that respectfully...do you know what I mean?

Going to try deep breathing until I can get some adult perspective back.

Thank you for your story!!!!!!!!! I have a lot to learn and a lot of maturing to do.

[Alec]

I haven't read the book, but I've heard a lot about it - "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Laura Schlessinger. http://www.drlaurashop.com/product.php?id=96

[muscratgrrl]

Ugh, I am just so exhausted.

My hubbie picked me up from work and drove me home today. We started talking about our old jobs (we used to work at the same company) and he started telling me how I used to do my job. I explained that he was 1,500 miles away and that the policy he was referring to did not really exist. Then I feel like he started patronizing me, because he kept telling me that I was wrong, like I didn't know my own job. (I did and I was extremely good at it- payroll, you either love it or loathe it, I love it....) I had a victory explaining that I did get upset and felt condescended to, that I was sorry that I reacted to his comments in that way, but that I did think that he owed me an apology. I was very factual and calm and perfectly reasonable about it. Then I shut up and forgot about it.

Then I got upset when my husband was reading numbers to me as I entered them on a spreadsheet. He accidentally duplicated a figure, I knew he did, 100% had made a mistake, he said, "You entered that figure twice." He had literally just said the number and I told him so. I always remember numbers, I could tell you what I paid for an item I bought to the penny four year later, it's a curse! I told him that I 10-key (the number pad) by touch and wasn't even looking at the screen, how could I? He then just refuses to admit he could possibly have misspoken even ONE word or number.

I had been doing really good with just accepting that my husband believes himself to be as blameless as J.C., and just accepting that he has problems admitting a simple mistake. I tried calmly letting him know that he made an error, but he said back at me, something to the effect of, "well, if you didn't hear me say, it I'm sorry," which was not an apology at all, especially accompanied by eye-rolling. I was still calm at this point, and said, thanks for the apology, but I can tell you don't mean it and you really did just make a little mistake, no big deal.

He just keeps denying it until I freak on him, and I even freaked because he had driven me to the point where we were upset about a stupid number. I told him that THAT wasn't what was upsetting me at all, that I just wanted some Humility (remember that word????) from him in admiting he May have conceivably made an error.

WHAT can you say to leave a conversation like this and be both firm, ask for an apology, and humble all at the same time? Doesn't everyone have a limit? Did I reach mine too soon??? EVERY time something upsets me, it's my fault and he completely IGNORES the issue. When he's upset he doesn't communicate and then BLAMES me for not changing- what, I don't know!

I can't BEG this man to let me know what areas HE thinks I can improve on (but I have), I want to know what he thinks! I am somewhat scared to ask him because he berates me again when I ask. I try to remain neutral if it's criticism, "It would really help me if you worked on listening to me," etc.

OMG, I want to be long suffering and I just need to pray that I can be!!!!!

Does anyone have any feedback on trying to save a marriage like this? What if one person WILL NOT commit, either to me, or to changing, or to learnign how to improve our communication. I don't believe that divorce is OK except in cases of adultery (this is my personal conviction, FYI I don't judge others on this at all, in case anyone was going to say something). Does anyone know of any spiritual/biblical examples like this relationship?

Do any of you guys have any ideas for me to be better in communcating in situations like this with my hubbie?