My Mom and Her parenting Skills(Help)

[Bruisy]

When I was little, my mom took no responsibility in raising me. When i was eight she left at my dads for Christmas and i didnt see her again until a week before my 12th birthday. I love my mom, yes of course. Shes my mom, and i would never NOT love her. It took my mom untill she was 40ish to stop doing drugs and realize all that she was missing out on. 2 months after being clean her body gave in and had a stroke. She came out ok, but they found that she had an auto Immune disease called Lupis. When i was 13 i moved in with my mom, becasue i couldnt stand my dads girlfriend and my living situation. Mom was, at the time, staying with a friend and her new boyfriend who helped her get off the drugs. She still drank, and so did he,b ut anything was better than them and i LOVED the freedom. Mom gave me plenty of freedom. I wasnt used to no one yealling at me about my grades and i wasnt used to no one really caring what time i came home as long as they knew where i was and if i was in good hands. My dad would never let me outside( it was Las Vegas) and he was constantly on me abount my grades.
Now Im 16, ive done so much stupid stuff i couldnt begin to start, but to start with my mom ill begin freshman year. I realized 8th grade was hard and i knew that something was wrong with me. Mom told me "its all in your head, you WANT something to be wrong with you". I tried to explain to her my feeling and how i felt weird and sick, tired and in pain all the time. She wrote it off as all in my head and when i did act weird she would call me an over dramatic teenager.
Well finally, one of my councellors told my mom that i might have ADD and mom started teasing me calling me an ADD child. She took me to the doctors FINALLY 3 months into second semester of Sophmore year. They diagnosed me with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis Desease. An auto immuse disease, just like mom(go figure). It was causing things in me such as Bi-polarism and even through i was on a healthy diet and always worked out, i would continue to gain weight and be tired all the time. ("somehow 'I told you so' just doesnt say it"). Anyway. Now im in my Junior year and becasue all the calsses i failed in the past few years im taking 2 nightschool classes, a 0 period and doing colorguard. Colorguard counts as PE and a practicle art. It is the only class that i can do that with so i HAVE to. Mom told me that if i want to do colorguard she wasnt going to pay for anything, i would have to get a job and pay for it myself. So i got a job....that the same place as her. Mom was the head of battle of the bands and she was telling Dianne (my boss) that she needed judges. So dianne called my step dad and left him a mesage to give me telling me that she was full staffed and didnt need me. I tried to call her back but couldnt get ahold of her.
Becasue i didnt work that nighti didnt make money for the things i neede for colorguard.

My mom says one thing and then does another, she tells me to do one thing and does the opposite, she gives no help in the things i need. As far as im concerned, the situation im in is becasue of her, i told her something was wrong with me and she wouldnt listen, not im trying to pull myself out and she keeps bashing me over the head so i cant cross the finish line. Im doing everything to graduate high school,and shes not helping. I feel like she hates me. Like she resents my presence

I called my dad to talk to him (the first time ive ever called on my dad to talk about something personal) about what was happening and he told me that he was proud of me and that he was so impressed with how hard im trying. He told me that mom has always been more interested in prooving something to herself than being apart of a family, that shes always put being a rock star, so to speak, in front of everything else, especially her own.

God didnt give me much of a mother, but he gave me on Heck of a father.

[Justawoman]

So is Dad going to help financially so you can finish color guard?

Our daughters have friends who have parents like your mom. I don't see how not pushing a child to fulfill their dreams and goals is caring. I don't see how not knowing where your children are in school and physically is caring. It is my job to know how my daughters grades are, who they are with and where, the parents of their friends, phone numbers, addresses, what their dreams are and their goals for themselves. It also my responsibility to help them learn how to manage for themselves out in this old world.

To me it sounds like you had a true parent in your Dad. He wants you to reach your full potential or so it sounds like. I hope he is helping you with money and not just great advice. You know it never is too late to ask if you can move back in with him, if that is an option.

[JacMac]

Bruisy...wow...I'm sorry for your situation, but girlfriend....you have got a good head on your shoulders! You can respect that your mother has given you the ability to take care of yourself, and to persevere through whatever life throws at you! I would suggest (like Justawoman said) seeing what help (financial or otherwise) you can get from your Dad and limiting how much you let your mother in -seeing as you feel she sabotages what little you have involved her in. I don't know if moving to your Dad's is an option, or is such a good idea seeing as you are trying to graduate where you are and will it cost you time and classes to transfer to Las Vegas? Are there any other jobs you could get that don't involve your mother that will give you decent pay for not so many hours? How about something like babysitting where you could get decent pay and some peace and quiet while the kids are sleeping for you to do some homework or just to get away from your mum for a bit. You seem to have handled the situation thus far quite well...I'd say (though it's easier to say than do) - Keep your chin up, your sights focused, and your spirits high...it will all come to pass and you will be a better person for it. And don't be afraid to lean on those who will allow it, just be willing to return the favor someday! Good luck, Bruisy...keep us posted!

[jamesglewisf]

I think you are having to learn early what most of us learn later in life - people disappoint us. We have expectations of people that aren't met, and it is especially difficult when it is your parents. I'm sorry you are going through this.

[Bruisy]

Well, as a post up. Moving in with my dad, as a couple of you said, will not be an option. His girlfriend has some issues that cause her to be twice as worse as my mother. When i visit my dad, i cant only usually stay for 2 weeks because after the first week im at the point of pulling my hair out. his girlfriend needs attention and when shes not getting it all from my father she will do anything to get me introuble. Shes like a jealous little child. On top of that, this is the first place ive stayed for so long and i want, more that anything, to graduate here. My dad and i talked and i told him that the last time he sent money for me for prom mom used more than half of it for what she needed.
Dad told me that he would send me two money orders. One would be made out to the school for the uniform that i need for colorguar. He told me to include every dollar including shipping and handleing. So that one cant be touched, but i dont have an account so the next one made out for things i need has to be made out to mom. a couple days after mom started arguing to me that the first money order was for me and the second one was for her child support to pay the bills. So she called dad and dad explained that she was wrong. THen the crocodile tears came and dad told me that he was going to have to send her that monay and he was going to see what he could do. I told him to forget about it and not to worry. Ill figure something out.

I know shes my mom, but I truely hate her as a human being.

[Justawoman]

He needs to get you a bank account set up and do direct deposits, bypass Mom all together.

[Justawoman]

You know Bruisy as an after thought to my other post you might suggest a debit card to your dad that would work at the ATM's in your area. Pay with cash as you go and be really self disciplined with your money. You sound like to me you could handle that.

[jamesglewisf]

He needs to get you a bank account set up and do direct deposits, bypass Mom all together.
Not without checking with an attorney first. He doesn't want to violate any court orders.

[Bruisy]

Mom and dad arnt divorced yet...everytime they file papers something gets messed up and they move and get lazy....so no court order stuff yet

[Justawoman]

The fact that neither of your parents have took the legal action to seperate or divorce says to me they are not to concerned about your financial welfare. Don't mean to step on your feelings but how can you go to court and contest the handling of your child support when it was never set up in court to begin with. If it was handled through the law then you could go, according to the California Child Suport Handbook section 13, and complain about the handling of the money that is sent on your behalf. Well you couldn't go and complain but your Father could. You can find this in PUblication 160 in the handbook.

http://www.divorcelinks.com/statelinks/california.html

But since there has been no legal work done to dissolve their marriage then I would suggest the debit card to your Dad and bypass Mom all together. You might consider offering to draw up a monthly agreement and budget as to how the money Dad puts in there will be spent. Just a thought.

[JacMac]

What wonderful advise here, Justawoman.
Bruisy...she is right. Bypass Mom, and have as little to do with her as possible. I have so much respect for the fact that you appreciate she is your mother....you have the patience of a saint in this situation. You and your Dad need to find a way to set something up (bank account, debit card...something!) that your mother doesn't know about or have access to. You have a good head on your shoulders and it seems your Dad is a really good guy who is willing to help you as much as he can....you'll make it work! Good luck, girl, keep us posted!

[Justawoman]

I was told once," you don't have to like your parents, but you need to love and honor them. They did give you life after all."

[Grimey]

I don't know. You live with your mother; I wouldn't do to much to tick her off.

If you are 16, you only have a couple more years of living under her rule. I'd probably avoid conflict as much as possible, work on developing maturity and life skills, save as much money as possible, and be ready to move out on your own when you're 18 if you still feel the same way.

As annoying as it is, I'd work on figuring out ways to honor your mom. Even if she doesn't behave the way she should, you'll have the respect of people around you and the character building exercise of learning to behave properly even when the people around you don't. For the whole rest of your life, people are going to disappoint you. I don't mean everybody, so don't get depressed; but some will. There are two types of people: those who respond well to adversity and those who don't. Work on being one who responds well to adversity. You'll end up a better friend, a better wife, a better mother, and a better person.

Think about what you want people to say about you behind your back: "She is the most amazing young woman I know; in spite of how poorly her mother behaves, she always rises above it." - Or - "I know she's a mess, but have you seen her mother?" Be the former. It is your behavior that affects the outcome, not your mother's behavior.