exhusband and exwife to friendly?

[GILLMO]

I started seeing a new women about a year ago. We both filed for divorce about the same time after unhappy marriges. Hers went real smooth and I'm still fighting mine. The problem I have is that her exhusband is always around. They have joint custody of there 2 kids. She tells me it is all for the kids. He calls her to go b-day or Christmas shopping for the kids. Or to go with him to pick out a tree. He stops over at her house (she lives back with her mom and dad for now) anytime theyplayon a volleyball team together. They went to a funeral together for his uncle. He calls and just talks to her about all things. He comes to most of her family functions, and if he is not invited he gets upset, saying he is still part of the family. The big question I have, if all this is normal and I am just over reacting?? i care for her very much and I would like to keep seeing her, but I dont know if I can live with him being around all the time. When i tell her how I feel, it seems like we start a big fight. I dont feel she would ever cheat me with him, but Im just not comfortable with the close contact they have all the time. Please give me some advice!

[Justawoman]

I advise you to follow your gut feeling on this. If you feel uncomfortable now, with him around the majority of the time, imagine how you will feel should you two marry.

I know I would feel uncomfortable if I were in your shoes. It is one thing to come pick up the kids for visits. But divorce means you start over and let go. All the divorced couples we know that is how they act towards each other. They are friendly and caring, but they have moved on with their lives. What you described was a married couple still, not one that is divorced.

I would personally let the relationship cool down between you and her. You sound like you are ready to move forward and she is still stuck in her relationship with her exhusband. I don't see you ever taking his place, or at least, not now.

[Noseypoo]

I have to agree with Justawoman ... go with your gut-feeling.

[jamesglewisf]

I would get out of the relationship. If it is a problem for you now, it will be a huge problem when you are married. BTW, don't feel bad that it is a problem now. That would be very awkward, but it is also part of dealing with a divorced person who has children. It is awkward when they have a good relationship with their ex-spouse. It is a nightmare when they have a bad relationship with their ex-spouse. I would move on.

[Namos]

i almost thought this was my bil,,, he got remarried last yr, to a woman who was married before and they have 2 kids,, he has one with his ex,, had 3 but 2 passed away may they rest in peace, but his new wifes ex husband is always at every family get together we have and my husband and i just wanna puke! the bil my husbands brother,, and my hubby asked me what i thought so we talked and we think they are still too dang close and are probably together in more ways in one,, but they talk on the phone and she invites him to everything, they went shopping together,, it is just sickening in my hubby and i's eyes! i dunno how my bil feels about it but sometimes he lets out a slurr about him and thats as far as it goes so i have no clue why he puts up with it.

[jaimegerise]

ack I think if the ex's are still that close, why did they divorce in the first place? eeek

[Justawoman]

Me and you both Jaime. That would be so wierd and awkward to see the ex at family gatherings and to have them come over all the time.

[DataJack]

...exhusband is always around.....joint custody of there 2 kids....He calls her to go b-day or Christmas shopping for the kids....Or to pick out a tree....He stops over at her house...They went to a funeral together for his uncle....calls and just talks to her...comes to most of her family functions, and if he is not invited he gets upset, saying he is still part of the family.

they may be divorced on paper but they are not divorced emotionaly...joint custody means if you can't get in touch with the primary care giver when/if the kids are in crisis [which is mom i think in this case] you can call the other and get permission to do what needs to be done. he should be shopping alone or with his NEW g/f for the kids...picking out a tree is not her concern...
stopping over at her house for any other reason other than to pick up the kids is a no no...calling and just talking with her is a no no...going to a funeral is ok......thats just respect both for the deceased and the living...going to family functions involving members of HER family is a no no as he is NOT a part of her family any more...he will always be the kids dad...but thats it !!

as was said...trust your gut feelings and distance your self from her...my ex wife HATES me because thats what i did...i have nothing to do with her but i keep in touch with my kids...all her x boyfriends used to drop by and say hi and all that..till i came home early and caught her in bed with the next door neighbour...and that was the 2nd time she had cheated on me that i knew about...forgave her the first time...if i had trusted my gut feelings i would have told the x-boy friends to hit the road or at least confronted her on it... good luck

[alexxa]

they may be divorced on paper but they are not divorced emotionaly...

This is so true. They have very unhealty relationship and you are not the one to solve that. If you can (that is the question) step back and just wait them to solve the relationship. Be patient. If they will not solve this situation in a month or two then there is no room for you. Sorry. But you are now the "third person" in their relationship. You are "escape road" for her and that is very wrong. You are just someone with who she can delude herself about divorce. Any excuses about childrens are just plain unmature EXCUSES.

I've had a lot of cases like these in my practice (as a consultant) and there is no simple solution. And in mosty cases "third person" (in this case you) is the one who suffer most.

Anyway .. the decision is yours... good luck.

P.S. sorry for my english, it is not my primary language.

[ladybug56]

That's a no -win situation,don't waste your time,just get on with your own life.. she obviously has with her's & then some, you won't be just fighting with her,but the whole family! :( ..good luck