What to do when a friend loses a baby

[Need2no]

A co-worker of mine has recently lost her baby in her third month of pregnancy. She has been trying to have a baby for a very long time and this is a very sad situation for her and her husband. What is the proper way to react to this situation? Should I send a card? Or a single rose in a bud vase? Or should I just ignore it? Please help!

[Noseypoo]

I'm sorry for her loss. I wouldn't send a card or a rose. Don't ignore it either. Approach her face to face and offer your condolences ... a hug goes a long way. Just be there for her if she needs somebody to talk to. :)

[jamesglewisf]

I don't normally get online much during the day, but I wanted to address this.

My baby was born and died on my birthday. My wife and I sort of know what she is going through exept that we hadn't struggled with getting pregnant. No two situations are ever exactly alike.

I would hold off on the card until about 3 months out. Give her a card then and then consider sending another card on the anniversary of the baby's death next year. What kind of card? I would get a "thinking of you card" instead of a generic sympathy card. Don't get a card that quotes Scripture.

Remember that she will be especially sad on the due date. Remember that day and say something to her on it.

One of the things that hurts the most is that she is still grieving and it feels like everyone else has moved on and forgotten. Getting a card saying that you were thinking of her and that you are sorry for her loss will mean a lot. My wife still grieves, and our baby died 7 years ago. When my birthday rolls around and no one else remembers, it really hurts her.

What to do now. The best thing you can do is give her a hug and tell her that you are really sorry for what happened. Tell her it must be the most awful thing in the world and that you cannot imagine what she is going through. What she needs right now is sympathy. She needs someone to agree with her that this is horrible. She doesn't need you to say anything that will try to make her feel better. Don't tell her you know how she feels because unless you have lost a baby, you really don't. Don't tell her about friends who have lost children. Don't talk to her about trying again. I am a firm believer that you don't quote Scripture to someone who is grieving. If they ask for some Scripture, then give it to them. What people don't need when they are grieving is a bandaid. They need someone to feel sorry for them and agree that the situation is horriblle.

I know that it sounds odd to make a big deal over losing a baby at 3 months, but when your whole life changes and you start focusing on becoming a mother, to lose the baby is just gut wrenching. This is especially true when you have tried for years. You finally get the prize of being pregnant, only to have it snatched away from you. It is better to care too much then to not care enough.

[Justawoman]

Good advice Noseypoo.

[Need2no]

I don't normally get online much during the day, but I wanted to address this.

My baby was born and died on my birthday. My wife and I sort of know what she is going through exept that we hadn't struggled with getting pregnant. No two situations are ever exactly alike.

I would hold off on the card until about 3 months out. Give her a card then and then consider sending another card on the anniversary of the baby's death next year. What kind of card? I would get a "thinking of you card" instead of a generic sympathy card. Don't get a card that quotes Scripture.

Remember that she will be especially sad on the due date. Remember that day and say something to her on it.

One of the things that hurts the most is that she is still grieving and it feels like everyone else has moved on and forgotten. Getting a card saying that you were thinking of her and that you are sorry for her loss will mean a lot. My wife still grieves, and our baby died 7 years ago. When my birthday rolls around and no one else remembers, it really hurts her.

What to do now. The best thing you can do is give her a hug and tell her that you are really sorry for what happened. Tell her it must be the most awful thing in the world and that you cannot imagine what she is going through. What she needs right now is sympathy. She needs someone to agree with her that this is horrible. She doesn't need you to say anything that will try to make her feel better. Don't tell her you know how she feels because unless you have lost a baby, you really don't. Don't tell her about friends who have lost children. Don't talk to her about trying again. I am a firm believer that you don't quote Scripture to someone who is grieving. If they ask for some Scripture, then give it to them. What people don't need when they are grieving is a bandaid. They need someone to feel sorry for them and agree that the situation is horriblle.

I know that it sounds odd to make a big deal over losing a baby at 3 months, but when your whole life changes and you start focusing on becoming a mother, to lose the baby is just gut wrenching. This is especially true when you have tried for years. You finally get the prize of being pregnant, only to have it snatched away from you. It is better to care too much then to not care enough.

[Need2no]

I am new to this website and have not learned exactly how to use it, which explains the posting from me without a message attached...

Anyways, thank you so much for your great advise! I now feel ready to approach my friend.

[Noseypoo]

I would hold off on the card until about 3 months out. Give her a card then and then consider sending another card on the anniversary of the baby's death next year.
Sorry, but I have to disagree. Wouldn't that make the pain even worse, right at the time when you're getting over the loss? I don't think anybody would want to be reminded off the loss by an 'outsider'. Different story if she asks for support during that specific time, or just a shoulder to lean on. {fonzy}

Just my 2 cents ...

[jamesglewisf]

I don't know if you have ever lost a child, but you don't get over it in three months. I have talked to women who lost babies 40 years ago who still tear up about it. I'm not sure you ever really get over it; and even if you do, it is nice that someone remembered. In my opinion, it feels better to know that someone is still thinking about it other than me. You aren't an outsider if you are a friend who remembers my loss.

[raybeck]

Our youngest daughter lost her first baby exactly one week after going and seeing the first sonogram! It was heart wrenching for our whole family, not to mention what she and her husband went through... Robin didn't really want everyone talking about it, but then if they didn't she felt like they had forgotten about it...very tough situation. She didn't pass everything so had to have a DNC. I went to be with them and it was so hard...one of her DH's friends showed up at the hospital with flowers and expressions of sadness for them. I do know that meant a lot to them. This same guy just recently went through the very same experience with his wife as my daughter and her DH, so Robin and Jeremy new how to handle it, at least. They had to be put on fertility drugs in order for Robin to concieve again and they now have a beautiful 10 month old boy (he's adoreable!!!). We were at their house this last weekend and in their guest bedroom she still has a framed picture of the sonogram of the first baby and it say's "our little angel". I even still grieve for that grandbaby, I lost...you never forget, you really don't. I don't think sending a card (at least for my daughter) would have been a good idea on the year anniversary, but a phone call just to maybe get her mind off of it, etc. is how we handled it. Anyway, there is no easy answer, but you definately need to let them know you are there for them and love them. I do remember one thing that Robin hated hearing was...you are young, you will have more kids...absolutely NOT appropriate. The only thing I really said to my daughter was how much I loved her and hurt for her, but that if I had not had the miscarriage I had between my oldest daughter's birth and Robin's, I would not have her now. Hope that makes sense...but she let me know that after the birth of Weston (her son), she knew exactly what I meant.

[Noseypoo]

I don't know if you have ever lost a child,Yes, I have have.but you don't get over it in three months. I have talked to women who lost babies 40 years ago who still tear up about it. I'm not sure you ever really get over it; I realize that it takes different people different times, and yes, 'getting over it' was a pretty sad term to put it, but I'm no great writer.
and even if you do, it is nice that someone remembered. In my opinion, it feels better to know that someone is still thinking about it other than me. You aren't an outsider if you are a friend who remembers my loss.Different strokes for different folks, I couldn't stand it to be reminded every year, twice a year ... that's like rubbing salt in an open wound. But I guess that's just me.

But I still think it's up to the individual how they feel about the little reminders every year ... some like it, others don't ... I'm one of the ones that don't.

Didn't mean to offend anybody ... sorry if I did. :(

[raybeck]

Noseypoo, I have to agree with you. I know, especially now that my daughter has a son, she would never want to relive he pain of her miscarriage. Don't get me wrong, I think she will forever love and think about the baby she lost, but not dwell on it, just get on with life. I think by having her new baby that certainly makes it much easier on her then if she were still trying to conceive, but everyone is different, that's for sure.

[Justawoman]

Ray and Nosey put it best. I think that is what my mother has done. She lost her first child. She is not a woman who carries this lose on her shoulder. It has made her an even better mother, I believe. She remembers and showed great concern when I was expecting my first child. But she has moved on with living.

Now the elderly lady I see every morning lost her first child. She is still bitter. She can't talk about it without such anger in her words. Some women don't get over and move on. She even went on to have more children but seems like such an unhappy person deep inside.

[jamesglewisf]

Nobody's offended. We're just discussing.