Ex etiquette

[ShellyAnn]

My husband and I are each on our second marriages, we've been married 2 years-together for 6. We both have adult children from our first marriages. My relationship with my ex husband (married 24 years) is pretty much non-existent, we see each other rarely, mostly at the grandkids birthdays. He re-married before I did.

My husband used to be very friendly with his ex wife even though she is a she-devil. You would not believe the things she has done to him, both while they were married (20 years) and since we've been married.

Anyway, their daughter graduated from college this past weekend. I was dreading spending time with the ex wife but was determined to be pleasant for the daughters sake. My husband knew that I was not happy about being there with his ex. I told him that I thought that he should treat her politely, on a business level-not a personal level. I had to sit there while they reminised about all their good times and the kicker for me was when her food was served, he snatched something off her plate. Then they tasted each other's desserts. His daughter had the same dessert as her mother, I told him if he wanted to taste it, he should have tasted hers. It was just too cozy for me. He constantly tells me that even though he doesn't like her, they have history together. So what? It's supposed to be over. If he had his way, she'd be invited to holiday dinners and such. Makes me sick. I won't even let her come into this house.

She bought the same car as his after their divorce. All the cars in the world and she gets the same model, year and color. She was wearing her hair like me this weekend-perm and all. She wore a necklace that he bought her all weekend. He has one also and had planned to bring it and I told him no because she'd probably be wearing hers-which she was. Every meal she had to copy what either he or I had to eat. She video taped him several times...it's just sick.

He thinks I'm being unreasonable for feeling this way. What do you think? Any advice?

[Grimey]

It sounds a little cozy to me, but not because I think anything evil or wrong is happening. I would just think that he should be more mindful of your feelings on the matter. If I were remarried, I would be sensitive to how my current spouse felt about things, even if I didn't agree with her or understood her feelings. They are still her feelings, and I should respect them.

They definitely have a history together. You can't undo all of the years that they knew each other. You have to ask whether you would rather have them constantly be at each others throats or more chummy like they are. You can't erase 20 years. Not all of those 20 years were horrible. It is better to sit around remembering fun times than to sit around griping about the bad ones.

He can't do anything about her behavior other than privately ask her to back off a little, but he can't control her. I don't think he should be eating off her plate or sharing desserts with her.

You have to remember that he chose you, not her. He is not married to you, not her. You should be a little more secure in your feelings about it. He chose to not stay married to her. Then he chose to marry you.

[Justawoman]

Yep, take a step back and really look at your relationship with him. He is your spouse and not hers. Chummy beats nasty any day.

[ShellyAnn]

I know that you all are right. I treat my ex husband like a stranger that I'd meet in a store. A little conversation but he knows that I don't care to have anything to do with him. Actually, my children and I feel sorry for his wife being married to him. And our relationship was a lot better than my current husband and his ex. I'm just the kind of person who is open and honest, not phoney. It is very difficult for me to be all bubbly and buddy, buddy, life long pals to someone who I don't like. I deserve an academy award for this weekend. Last summer when we went to visit my son and his wife, my husband's ex got on the Internet and filled out all kinds of pop-up ads with my husband's name, birthday, ssn, address and cell phone number. It took months to get that all cleared up. We know she did it, the IP addresses where it was done from traced back to her work. She's the only one we know who works there. She treats her daughter like dirt, uses her as a cash cow. Charges her for food when she's there, charged her "rent" for storing her things while she was away at college and for her to have a place to come home to during breaks. She embarasses the daughter beyond belief, the girl sits here at our house and cries about it but still continues to take it because "it's her mother and she has to put up with it to have a good relationship." It drives me crazy. Thanks for the support here. I do appreciate it.

[Justawoman]

Your welcome. I know that it would honestly bother me to have a spouse that did nothing but tell me how horrible his ex was to him and then turn around and be all sugary when they meet. But no one said you had to be a phoney around her. Polite and cool will let her know where you stand with her. I would go ahead and let hubby make a spectacle of himself. Tell him how it makes you feel that you know all the garbage about her and how ridiculous it makes him look to act like he does in her presence. Then you can sit back and enjoy yourself at functions and get to know the other people in attendance. You really can't stop someone's behavior but you can tell them how it makes you feel. Just don't do the blame game.

[Inultus]

Personally, I would not put up with my gf eating food off her ex's plate if we were to all be out at once. I don't care if there is history there or not, it's called respect for the relationship you are in NOW, not the one you WERE in.

Etiquette says he is wrong. Unfortunately, some people feel as though they need to be nice to their ex to keep things from getting ugly. I believe this is the wrong approach.

I believe the right approach is to sit down with them and tell them exactly how it is and that you are not friends anymore, but for the kids' sakes they need to act like an adult and not be vindictive.

[Ravenwerks]

There are three things involved with etiquette toward exes - etiquette, ethics and practicality.

I've done a lot of things wrong in my situation, my husband and I are both re-married and both have kids from previous marriages. Here's what we figured out:

Etiquette - You can't control the ex's behavior. It's better for everyone if you treat your ex with good manners. Don't criticize them to their faces or talk behind their back. They can wear whatever they want, drive whatever car they want, do their hair however they want. Criticizing their choices in life only brings pain to your spouse or your kids or whoever you vent to. Saying anything negative about an ex in the presence of the kids is a HUGE mistake. It will cause more pain than you can imagine, even if it's true. Kids respect parents who treat each other with respect, whether or not the other person deserves it.

Ethics - You and your husband have made a commitment to each other to honor each other's feelings. Every married couple has to figure out where the line is. I personally think there's nothing wrong with playful flirting with old friends as long as everyone knows it's harmless. Maybe your husband thinks of his ex as an old friend (with a rocky sort of friendship) but I think he was probably over the line eating food off her plate. You two need to decide where to draw the line and talk about it in private before it comes up again.

Practicality - You have to set boundaries on your life and decide how to handle things with kids, money, etc. We tried being helpful to my ex when he was out of a job (helping with resume's, letting him use our computer, etc.) but quickly learned at the familiarity breeds contempt. It's best to keep some distance between us for all our sakes. This is something that depends on how old your kids are, what your financial arrangements are, etc.

The best revenge is to carry yourself with more class than she has. Don't be insecure and don't get upset.

Best wishes to you, I hope things get better!

[jamesglewisf]

I like your advice. Thanks for joining and posting.

[Ravenwerks]

Thank you for including me in your lovely forum!

BTW, I talked with my husband about this posting last night. He was TOTALLY AGHAST that your husband ate something off his ex's plate. He said "What were they doing sitting that close together?!?!?!"{devil}

So, I hope you took your husband to task about that (in private, of course!)