Should I be worried?

[kaxlogue]

Hi, I got married in October of this year and I married a guy that I have been with for nearly a decade. He was married to another person about 14 years ago. They divorced after 1.5 years of marriage. I met my husband when he had been divorced for 5 years. He and I have been together ever since. I don't know why it took us so long to get married exactly. My husband always says that it is because we didn't have enough money, but I think that sometimes it was because he was nervous about marriage. Well, long story short, we are married now. I got on a site called Facebook and opened an account. I began finding all sorts of old friends (no exboyfriends!) to connect with. I told my husband how great it was and he opened an account. I didn't know that he had a page until I saw it on facebook. He asked me to "spruce" up his page and gave me all of the info to log on. I noticed that he got a message from his ex-wife. He made contact with her the same night that he set up the account. He didn't tell me about it. He didn't write a bad note to her. I am concerned because they seem to have a history of living in the past. I am the type of person who once a relationship is over, I MOVE on! I don't maintain contact or try to be friends with my exes. Needless to say, I don't trust him right now. I am wondering if I am just making a small thing a huge problem or if I really should be concerned!?! Any thoughts anyone?

[Radu]

Have you talked with him about it, yet? What's his view on it?

[kaxlogue]

We have had many conversations about this and they don't go well. He feels like he should be able to find out how she is doing. He thinks that because he has known her for so long that he has a right to find out. That just bothers me!

[Dude111]

Well if he married you he loves YOU now,not her :)

Not to worry,try to let him his some space!!


Welcome to Frappydoo :)

[jamesglewisf]

I tend to agree with Dude111. He's married to you now, not her.

My wife and I read a book before we got married. It recommended that neither person spend time alone with people of the opposite sex who were not their own family members unless they are old enough to be a grandparent. There is more than one reason. First, you can't have an affair with someone if you never spend time alone with them. It is just physically impossible. This would include chat rooms and email. Second, it should eliminate all jealousy, because there is nothing to be jealous about.

A lot of people think this is overkill - that I can't trust myself to be alone with a woman. I know my potential for sin and I'm just not going to flirt with it. If I were an alcoholic, I wouldn't hang out at bars. Well, the same applies here. I can't be fall to temptation if I remove tempation from me.

The book was called "His Needs, Her Needs" by Harley. It basically talks about the 5 most important needs of a man versus the 5 most important needs of a woman. It says that if they don't get met by the spouse, they will get met by someone else.

I'd recommend reading the book and following it. It has really helped our marriage.

[Dude111]

A lot of people think this is overkill - that I can't trust myself to be alone with a woman. I know my potential for sin and I'm just not going to flirt with itBut your a good person Jim,you love your wife and wouldnt cheat on her... (I know you wouldnt :))

[maurice omulubi]

I tend to agree with Dude111. He's married to you now, not her.

My wife and I read a book before we got married. It recommended that neither person spend time alone with people of the opposite sex who were not their own family members unless they are old enough to be a grandparent. There is more than one reason. First, you can't have an affair with someone if you never spend time alone with them. It is just physically impossible. This would include chat rooms and email. Second, it should eliminate all jealousy, because there is nothing to be jealous about.

A lot of people think this is overkill - that I can't trust myself to be alone with a woman. I know my potential for sin and I'm just not going to flirt with it. If I were an alcoholic, I wouldn't hang out at bars. Well, the same applies here. I can't be fall to temptation if I remove tempation from me.

The book was called "His Needs, Her Needs" by Harley. It basically talks about the 5 most important needs of a man versus the 5 most important needs of a woman. It says that if they don't get met by the spouse, they will get met by someone else.

I'd recommend reading the book and following it. It has really helped our marriage.

many people hide their weaknesses and pretend to be who they are not. The Bible says if your hand causes you to sin cut it off- of course that is figurative. It means if something that is otherwise useful can be a cause of your downfall, forfeit it for your greater good.

[maurice omulubi]

Hi, I got married in October of this year and I married a guy that I have been with for nearly a decade. He was married to another person about 14 years ago. They divorced after 1.5 years of marriage. I met my husband when he had been divorced for 5 years. He and I have been together ever since. I don't know why it took us so long to get married exactly. My husband always says that it is because we didn't have enough money, but I think that sometimes it was because he was nervous about marriage. Well, long story short, we are married now. I got on a site called Facebook and opened an account. I began finding all sorts of old friends (no exboyfriends!) to connect with. I told my husband how great it was and he opened an account. I didn't know that he had a page until I saw it on facebook. He asked me to "spruce" up his page and gave me all of the info to log on. I noticed that he got a message from his ex-wife. He made contact with her the same night that he set up the account. He didn't tell me about it. He didn't write a bad note to her. I am concerned because they seem to have a history of living in the past. I am the type of person who once a relationship is over, I MOVE on! I don't maintain contact or try to be friends with my exes. Needless to say, I don't trust him right now. I am wondering if I am just making a small thing a huge problem or if I really should be concerned!?! Any thoughts anyone?

While it may not be right to forbid him making contact with her you need to talk and establish boundaries of how, when and how far.

[carla6646]

I understand exactly why you are feeling that way, did your husband say why he is in touch with her? proceed with caution, I know the way you feel, ask him, about it in a none threaten way, if you can, is he happy in the marriage with you, or is he just reminiscing about his past? are you happy in your marriage? communication is best but sometimes it is hard, when your partner gets defensive. good luck to you!

[carla6646]

Hi, I got married in October of this year and I married a guy that I have been with for nearly a decade. He was married to another person about 14 years ago. They divorced after 1.5 years of marriage. I met my husband when he had been divorced for 5 years. He and I have been together ever since. I don't know why it took us so long to get married exactly. My husband always says that it is because we didn't have enough money, but I think that sometimes it was because he was nervous about marriage. Well, long story short, we are married now. I got on a site called Facebook and opened an account. I began finding all sorts of old friends (no exboyfriends!) to connect with. I told my husband how great it was and he opened an account. I didn't know that he had a page until I saw it on facebook. He asked me to "spruce" up his page and gave me all of the info to log on. I noticed that he got a message from his ex-wife. He made contact with her the same night that he set up the account. He didn't tell me about it. He didn't write a bad note to her. I am concerned because they seem to have a history of living in the past. I am the type of person who once a relationship is over, I MOVE on! I don't maintain contact or try to be friends with my exes. Needless to say, I don't trust him right now. I am wondering if I am just making a small thing a huge problem or if I really should be concerned!?! Any thoughts anyone?

[Sophialiu]

Talk with him, tell him your idea.