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View Full Version : It's only Harmless Flirting!


blinc
12-11-2000, 12:38 PM
Harmless flirting... is there such a thing? In my opinion, 90% of the time, No there is no such thing. If it causes insecurity in your spouse, doubts about loyalty... it's not harmless. What are your opinions? How do you handle someone flirting with you or your mate?

Lisa
12-11-2000, 02:15 PM
About as harmless as a tornado!!! How do I handle someone flirting with my husband? I don't hadle it well. In fact, I get rather nasty I'm afraid! Once, a gal tried to reach for my husband's face with her hand (we were at a restaraunt, she was the waitress - they dated before we married and she apparently still had a crush on him) and I found myself grabing her hand and telling her "Don't!". I was so embarrassed! But, my husband loved it.

wdn2000
12-11-2000, 03:43 PM
I think flirting just breeds jealousy in the other partner. But lemme tell ya flirting directed at your husband from someone he knows...that will set ya on fire. I would be tempted to revert to my rebellious teen days and body slam the girl<shrug>...that is if my old feeble body could lift her over my head!

Karenluvs6
12-11-2000, 04:21 PM
flirting is never harmless.....that's why it's called 'flirting'.
I would never disrespect Beezwax like that....and I can only assume he feels the same way. if he values his life in any way...he will feel the same way!
If he ever flirted with a girl in front of me, or otherwise....They'd both be in a heap of trouble!

blinc
12-11-2000, 04:54 PM
Yeah, that's the way I feel. Grrrr. watch out, you're gonna loose the tigress in us females!! {toothy} A girl I used to work with, oooh boy, did she ever lay it on thick. The guys (most of them) seemed to eat it up, but you could tell it really bothered the girlfriends/wives.

I wonder why some women feel the need to try and entice every man in their path? I'm pretty secure about myself, but it bothers the heck out of me. My hubby gets flirted with a lot, he's a good looking guy and has a great personality. Thank goodness, he loves me enough to care about what it feels like to me. He doesn't like it when guys flirt with me, so shows me the same respect as when girls flirt with him. If someone flirts with me openly, I usually walk over to my husband and hold onto his arm... kind of gaze at him adoringly to make a point. You ladies know what I mean.

When a woman flirts with Bill... It's like a form of disrespect towards me. At least it's the way it makes me feel. Like "so what, if it bothers you" or "yes, I know you're his wife/girlfriend, but I don't care about you, just your man". Do any of you feel that way when it happens to your husband?

jamesglewisf
12-12-2000, 01:32 AM
It really annoys me when a woman flirts with me. It makes me angry. I'm not flattered. I love my wife, and I don't like anybody messing with that.

Karenluvs6
12-12-2000, 11:01 AM
yes, I have felt exactly the same way!
hubby was a ladies man before he and I got together...so he had girls/women coming up to him all the time at first...AAARRGGGGGGG!
He also has a great personality and woman want to talk to him all the time...Like these girls that work at the donut shop he goes to every morning....they act like they know his life history or something.....
This happened a couple weeks ago....
He was leaving for work and asked me if I'd like to go down to the donut shop with him, to get a coffee....it's right down the road (like 2 minutes away)....so I went....Now mind you, He goes there every single day of the week before work....has been for years. Anyhow, we walked in together and all the girls gave me a look and then turned to him and said "Good Morning" with big smiles on their faces....He said "good morning Gena"...."good Morning Carmen"....I was like "ok"...
So, this girl Gena looks at me and then turns to him and goes "She your girlfriend?".......I really hate it when ppl talk about me in the third person!!!!! Like I'm not there!
So he says "No, that's my wife".....she says, "OH! I didn't know you were married".....so I said to her, "that's because you don't need to know"..."you're sixteen or seventeen years old, why would a thirty two year old man tell you about his life?".......she goes, "oh, excuse me!"
"well, I only asked because he's the one who comes in here 50 times a day....by himself"......."I've never seen him with you before"....The nerve of some ppl! He goes, "ok ladies....let's not argue"......Please! Don't flatter yourself, I told him.....I'm not gonna argue with some little girl who thinks she knows you just because she serves you coffee everyday! He was all smiling and stuff because he was getting a big head over girls fighting over him.
Some girls take it seriously when a man talks to them like they are human beings.....they think the man is flirting with them automatically. Happens a lot!
Needless to say, I don't go in there anymore.......I don't want that girl spitting in my coffee or anything...because she wants my husband!

Austruck
12-16-2000, 02:02 PM
My husband and I both are rather ordinary looking by the world's shallow standards, so I haven't had to field this one directly, from shallow strangers.

But, I do know that a woman he was friends with while he was also friends with me pretty much cut him out of her life once he told her he and I were getting married. Apparently she had found out his good qualities too, and had been thinking that his kind nature toward her meant he was interested too. He's just a gentleman and very gracious, but that doesn't necessarily mean romantic feelings are behind the kindness. It's a shame our culture has gotten so bad at daily kindnesses that any man who is kind to a woman is assumed to be doing it for some sort of ulterior motives.

Fine with me that I've never met her and probably won't because they don't even email any more. I have a hard enough time with self-esteem and rejection issues without worrying about my otherwise ridiculously faithful and loyal husband. :)

I think anyone who thinks flirting with "taken" people would need to give me good reasons why it's okay. I see that it serves absolutely NO good purpose.

Now, if I wanna flirt with my own husband, well now, THAT'S a different story. :)

Austruck
12-16-2000, 02:03 PM
Karen,

Oooh, that donut shop thing would fry my beans! You go, girl! I think teenage girls usually live in fantasy worlds anyway, so I think you gave her a good dose of reality.

:)

wdn2000
12-17-2000, 09:50 PM
Hey karen....YOU GO GIRL!!!! You get the crown!!<nod nod>....I wish I coulda been a fly on the wall. Now see if more of us wives would speak our piece maybe these pathetic love sick other women wannabe's would tread a little more lightly<umm....am I on my soap box?>...cause if I am...I am soooooooooo sorry!! ya'll take care.

bdswamp
10-03-2005, 07:44 PM
My husband is a nice guy ,and will help anyone who needs it. He offered to fix this girls motorcycle for her. She had a sob story about her marriage breaking up and her ex was suppose to build it for her but now he's gone. She just gets to close for my comfort. I am not jealouse ,but I am very uncomfortable at her actions sometimes. I don't know how to handle this without looking like a fool.

Grimey
10-03-2005, 11:47 PM
Just tell your husband that you trust him, but a woman whose marriage just broke up is not a good person to be spending time alone with. She is vulnerable and might mistake his kindness for something more.

Justawoman
10-04-2005, 10:24 AM
Have to agree with Grimey. First and foremost your husband should consider how this makes you feel. He would probably want you to do the same thing if the shoe was on the other foot.

Leesa71
04-10-2007, 12:41 PM
I want to tell my story please give me some input. My neighbor who is married & supposedly my friend. We work out together occasionally & we all hang out at times. She is married as well. I always noticed how she has to be the center of attention with any man. My husband told me that while He and her husband were in the garage at their house she said "check this out" and proceeded to flash her breasts at them. My husband was honest with me and told me . He said he ignored it and kept talking to her husband who seemed to not care at all what his wife had done.I want to rip her head off. I haven't had a chance to confront her about this yet. I guess my question would be why would someone do this infront of their own husband as well. I'm really confused in a way. But I tend to think they may be swingers or something like that, They have been know to have threesomes. I don't believe in that at all. I believe in monogamy. Especially if your married. I have values and morals & they seem to have none.

Justawoman
04-10-2007, 06:12 PM
I honestly don't know how I would handle that one. At least your spouse told you.

jamesglewisf
04-11-2007, 10:14 AM
Once you can be calm about it (and that would be difficult), you ought to tell her that it was inappropriate and that both you and your husband were offended by it.

Then I would probably just stop hanging around them.

Dude111
04-11-2007, 12:53 PM
Sounds like a good idea to me too!!

Welcome to frappydoo Leesa71 :)

Leesa71
04-12-2007, 11:36 AM
Thanks for trying. Does anyone else have advice for how to confront this person? Thanks. It's very appreciated.

Leesa71
04-12-2007, 11:38 AM
How come under my username it says smart fellar. How do I change that?

Alec
04-12-2007, 12:05 PM
Once you reach 5 posts it will change to Fart Smeller. Then once you reach 25 posts, it changes to Ooglezoot. That is Frappydoo's goofy attempt at humor.

You can't change your title until you have like 500 or 600 posts. Read more in the FAQ - http://frappydoo.com/forum/faq.php?faq=frappydoo_faq#faq_fd_user_titles

lindsey923
04-12-2007, 12:06 PM
It changes the more posts your make. Next it will be Fart Smeller. Then ooglezoot.. you just have to post more.

lindsey923
04-12-2007, 12:07 PM
Well Alec and I answered that at the same time. His sounds better. Oh well, I tried! :)

Alec
04-12-2007, 12:08 PM
You might get personal satisfaction out of confronting her, but it won't change who she is. I would just stop spending time with her. If she asks, tell her your beef. She probably won't ask because it will be pretty obvious.

Husband69
04-18-2007, 02:59 PM
Deleted.

Leesa71
04-18-2007, 04:22 PM
I would just flat out tell him. I would be very upset if my husband was speaking to another woman that way. Is he married? And if so Is his wife aware of this also? And If he is truly your friend he will respect your feelings.

Husband69
04-20-2007, 11:59 AM
Hi, I've been married for 14 years now and we have had many married couples as friends. One of the married couples husbands has been emailing my wife directly now and almost every email he sends is somewhat sexual in nature, I find that they are somewhat leading emails. My wife's emails are not leading but somewhat of a flirting nature. She has shown me some of the email communications they have had and I have expressed my concern that I'm not comfortable with the ones he is sending! I totally trust her but I feel he has other motives! She has been open with me and she feels that because we know him that it's safe flirting. I feel that this may develop into something more from his standpoint. How do I make this stop!!!

Below is one of the email threads between them.
I have edited the names for protection. This was sent back in January. Let me know your thoughts? (The video is a spoof off of Saturday night live) so it's funny not bad. In discussing this email with my wife she states that the sexual undertones always die off as you'll see by the end of this thread. I still don't like it!!!

”Her”
Here's the video I promised you. It's sure to be a turn on.

”Link removed”

”Him”
J, All you have to do is say "turn on" and I'm turned on. Funny how that works.

I have forwarded to my home email as I'm afraid to view it from work (and they probably have the sight blocked anyway).
You probably sent this to my work knowing I couldn't look at it at here (on my Birthday no less) and now you are getting me all worked up and I will be counting the seconds till I get home tonight, and of course Mom-Jeans just sounds wrong and I'm sure it's a spoof, but my mind will be wandering all day long anyway (was that good English or what). You are such a tease, you always leave me hanging. That's why I keep coming back for more. It's the pain that makes it fun. Did I ever tell you that you are my favorite mom?

“Her”
You know, every time my kids tell me I'm their favorite mom my response is "What do you want?" Do I even ask you that question?
Hey, Happy Birthday! Since I'm 29 you're about 33?
You let me know if that video makes you think of me! If yes, would need to make a few "alterations" if you will.

”Him”
Oh yeah.

33, yeah that's the ticket.

"Alterations" OK, now I'm worried. Don't fret, I'm still turned on though, but a little
worried.

“Her”
So, where's the birthday party going to be? I'll need a ride!!!

“Him”
Got me? FYI, my truck is available if your (my name) needs to use it. I need to have the tie rods fixed and get the tires aligned, but it still works and your free to use it. I know it won't do you any good with the kids and all. What are you doing with the van? Do you need any other help with it?
The end

How do I get the point across to him that he has crossed the line?

Justawoman
05-06-2007, 12:58 AM
and you don't think your wife has crossed the line by sending sexual videos and saying, "does it make you think of me?"

Take your blinders off.

Dude111
05-06-2007, 01:34 AM
2 people (married especially) should not fool round with anyone other than the one they supposedly love!!

Justawoman
05-06-2007, 08:34 PM
Amen Dude.

Alec
05-08-2007, 12:35 PM
How do I get the point across to him that he has crossed the line?
Just tell him it isn't appropriate to be emailing your wife. Period.

Ivy
02-11-2009, 12:53 PM
My husband and I have an account in a small, local bank. The employees are mostly middle aged females, mostly widowed or divorced. My husband has three "impressive" CDs in his name only, with me as beneficiary.

Three of these bank employees flirt with him in my presence and are not discreet at all. Lately, because he has health issues, I've been doing the banking alone (we usually went together before).

A couple of months ago, when I went to the cashier window, one of "the three" waited on me. The first thing out of her mouth was, "Where is Mr. Wynn today?" NOT, "hellow, Mrs. Wynn, how are you. Where is your husband today?" but "Where is Mr. Wynn today." I smiled sweetly and politely answered by saying, "Oh, Mr. Wynn is not with me today." She didn't like that answer and looked at me as if to say, "Well I can see that. I asked you where he was," but I didn't give her the satisfaction of telling her where my husband was.

Yesterday, we went in together to take care of business and "another one of the three" waited on me at the cashier window while my husband did other business. The cashier's comment to me was, "Well, I see Mr. Wynn opened the door for you today." NOT, "hello, Mrs. Wynn, how are you today. By the way, I noticed that Mr. Wynn opened the door for you today." The first thing out of her mouth was about HIM. I simply looked at her and smiled without commenting. What she was really saying, as I interpreted it, was: "Mr. Wynn rarely opens the door for you. Why is today special?"

I find these women very unprofessional, and way too interested in why my husband is not with me, how he treats me, and generally in HIM. It is transparent that HE is on their greedy minds. All three of these women are very overweight and really not very attractive.

I know where I stand with my husband, but by the same token, I am very irritated at the gall those women have.

I've seen some good answers here so I will ask: Should I report the conduct of these women to the bank manager -- or just ignore them?

Thanks.

jamesglewisf
02-11-2009, 02:48 PM
At our bank, my wife is the one who cashes checks. I usually use the ATM. When I actually go to the drive-thru and use a check, I sometimes get some of the same kind of responses. The first time it was something to the effect of, "Oh, Mr. Lewis, it is nice to meet you. I have dealt with your wife for so long but have never met you. How is she doing?" They will ask me about her because they are more familiar with her. They will also have different kinds of conversations with her than they have with me because they know her better. Obviously, these females are not flirting with my wife. They just have a relationship with her that they don't have with me.

Are you sure that it is not the same situation but in reverse?

If you and your husband agree that it is not like my situation, then I would recommend that your husband talk to their manager and recommend training with his employees (not reprimands) to help them learn how to better deal with their customers. If it continues after the training, then your husband should bring it up again from a discipline standpoint.

I think training is important because most of the time, people don't understand how they are perceived by others. They might not realize how their behavior is coming across.

Ivy
02-11-2009, 09:49 PM
They’re flirting, Jim. No doubt about it. I’m a female and I’ve flirted too, but never with another woman’s boyfriend or husband. I’ve also been professional person all of my adult life, and have been on platonic, friendly terms with men. There’s a distinctive difference.

We opened a checking account at this bank about three years ago. Only our retirement money went into it for the first two years … a little above average, but not that impressive. The employees (all females, BTW) hardly noticed us.

Then a few months ago when the stock market fell, my husband took some of his serious money out of his stock accounts and temporarily parked it in CDs with this bank. Immediately, the attitude of three of three female middle-aged women changed drastically!!

Example: One day we went in together. I needed something from the safe deposit box and my husband waited outside. The “worst of the three” walked up to him and commenced to tell him she was unhappily married, and more or less in dire straits with a second mortgage and three children to educate. Why cry on my husband’s shoulder about her financial problems?? She certainly never told me anything like that. That was inappropriate and unprofessional conduct. In her unsophisticated mind, she had a reason for telling him, and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why.

My husband is friendly person, a joker, and some may perceive him as a flirt. He’s not really; that’s just his personality and he won’t change. I know where I stand with him; however, his outgoingness has no doubt given them the wrong idea.

The thing that bothers me about these women is their lack of concern for my feelings. Do they think I don’t see it??

What’s it to one of them where my husband is if he’s not with me? What’s it to another that he opened the door for me? They are thinking way too much about HIM and are not smart enough to even know how to be discreet about it.

Asking him to say something to them or the bank manager is fruitless. I’ve discussed it with him and he doesn’t think it’s important enough. The worst part is, he does not see their real intentions!!

I’ll probably not take any action, but psyche myself up for anything to come out of their mouths and try to be ready for a good answer. So far, they have caught me off guard. Because I would never think of saying such things to a customer’s wife, I don’t expect it from others.

Dude111
02-11-2009, 10:43 PM
I think flirting is wrong....

Ya love someone,you shouldnt do stuff like that!


Welcome to the site Ivy :)

jamesglewisf
02-12-2009, 10:09 AM
There is not much you can do if your husband isn't willing to help other than switch banks or talk to the manager yourself or quit letting it bother you.

Ivy
02-12-2009, 06:47 PM
Thanks, Jim and Dude. I'm happy I found this site. The forums are interesting.

I'll have to agree with one post on this thread. Nothing irritates me more than for someone to talk about me in the third person in my presence.

I guess that principle is what irritates me so much with these women at this bank. They flirt with my husband as if I'm not even present. And they're not spring chicks either. They're at least 55 to 65 ... maybe older.

Dude111
02-12-2009, 07:32 PM
Well we are happy you sailed ashore my friend :)

IVD74
05-18-2009, 02:13 PM
I believe there are 2 forms of flirting:
#1 - joking/obvious/nothing to hide flirting
#2 - sneaking glance/touchy/verbal hint flirting

My husband loves attention from other women. He does both and I'm only insecure about the second type of flirting. That to me is the worst! It's like he hides it, he'll go get me a drink at a party and welcomes advances. He doesn't see that he does this and is in denial. It makes me feel like junk! Do I think he would cheat on me??? I don't know. That sounds horrible for me to say but my husband makes me feel like I'm a bad person for feeling this way. But why am I the bad person when I can catch these little things, that he does to flirt and get the attention of the woman. She then approaches him and doesn't stop the attraction, he likes getting the attention. But b/c he's not "technically" crossing the line, I get the "oh, you're insecure", the "nothing's happening, what are you so worried about", "why don't you trust me"...HELLO!!! You give me the reasons to not trust you....you are welcoming advances by other women in front of you own WIFE!!!

What should I do everyone????

jamesglewisf
05-18-2009, 03:05 PM
I believe that if something makes your spouse uncomfortable, then you should stop it whether you meant anything by it or not. That is putting your spouse's feelings above your own feelings. Dismissing your spouses feelings is not appropriate.

Dude111
05-19-2009, 01:26 PM
No your spouse's feelings should be MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING!!

Welcome to the site IVD74 :)

dsls
02-21-2011, 03:22 AM
I have what is as near a perfect marriage as I can hope for. With one exception. My husband flirts. Today we were getting back into our car - each on our respective sides. I am having a wonderful day away from the kids - alone with my husband. I sit down with a smile on my face. At the same moment a tall slender 20 something is walking past the front of the car and I watch as she evidently makes eye contact with my husband and returns the smile he has given her as he has looked her up and down appreciatively. All this occurs before his head clears the roof of the car, so theoretically I'm totally unaware, right? Wrong! I was totally crushed. I've had four or five similar incidents over the last year or two and I can't stand it.

Dude111
02-21-2011, 11:34 AM
Welcome to the site :)

I wouldnt be worried about it,your husband is showing kindness and friendship,nothing wrong with that!!

He loves you sweetie,remember that!!

dsls
02-21-2011, 03:09 PM
Tks Dude. Well I'm glad you said what you said because I know he loves me.
There's really not a whole lot that I can say that is even worthy of a gripe when I talk about my marriage - it really is a good one.
This is the one little something that I am struggling with.
Analytically I know that at the end of the day it's me he comes home to and I don't have any fears or suspicions that he is a wanderer (not at all). Beyond the analytical, however, my reaction is totally knee-jerk and I don't seem to be able to slow it down. A few months ago we were in the grocery store and this okay-but-not-great looking woman in her 40's was ahead of us and he was checking out her "hot shoes" (you know the type...I wear them myself). Now I know how his mind works...the shoes catch his eye, coz he likes them, and then he just can't help but follow up the rest of the line to see how the rest of the package is put together. In this he is about as predictable as the days of the week. Most of the time I can laugh at him, but this time she saw him checking her out...as he's holding my hand...she smiles at him and he smiles back and keeps going. Now, as he's turned away, she takes the opportunity to look me in the eye with a smug look and then she looks me up and down condescendingly and then...we get to do it again six times as we make it through the aisles of the store simultaneously.
Yeah yeah I know she was wrong and not being a nice lady by her actions and of course I know that there are women like that (men too for that matter). But the way I feel is I got victimized by this brat of a woman, but only because my husband first ran his eyes up and down her and then acknowledged her with a smile. In my opinion it was his smile to her that crossed the line and set me up to be victimized. I feel that even if she caught him looking, if he had just looked past her and not said, "yes I was looking and yes I liked what I saw," with his smile it wouldn't have turned out the same way.
Am I wrong and being silly?
I am not an ugly woman. I catch men checking me out all the time. I come across men who try to make "meaningful" eye contact, even as they sit next to their wife and I sit next to my husband and I will have none of it. I put this glassy look in my eye and keep my eyeballs moving and leave it unacknowledged. I never want any man to get the wrong impression about where my loyalties lie.
Am I over sensitive with my old-fashioned sensibilities?

PopCulture
02-23-2011, 01:14 PM
It's so easy to get wrapped up in flirting. It always makes one partner feel jealous and the other feel threatened. It's a huge problem for everyone involved.

Dude111
02-24-2011, 11:42 AM
And there is no point to it either!!

WHY FLIRT IF YOU HAVE SOMEONE???

Debby
02-26-2011, 01:36 AM
Flirting has no place in a marriage. Flirting is not harmless. Being friendly to someone of the opposite sex is fine. Even thinking that they are attractive is fine.....we are only human after all, but flirting is wrong when you have someone else in your life that you love. The problem is sometimes knowing when they are flirting and when they are just being friendly. I think sometimes we tend to imagine the worst......he looked at her so he must want her.....but I think sometimes our own insecurity plays a part in that. Not always, but sometimes. It is easy to assume the worst but it isn't always what it seems. I hope that helps.

anonymous
02-27-2011, 12:16 PM
I have been with my husband for over ten years now and he is just not like that. He was never like that. In fact we were just friends before we started dating. I think some men are just naturally more "flirty" than others. I personally would be crushed as well if my husband, fiance', or boyfriend was doing that on a regular basis. I would not be able to be with someone like that because it would make me feel like an idiot who was with some guy who was looking at other women while he was with me. However, this is just me.

anonymous
02-27-2011, 12:21 PM
Could you go to another bank? If they are overweight and unattractive I don't think you have anything to worry about. Most women like that are just very desperate.

anonymous
02-27-2011, 12:24 PM
I do not believe flirting is harmless. The reason for flirting is to get someone else's attention. I flirted with my now husband and we are now together...over ten years and counting. He does not flirt with other women and I do not flirt with other men. It is that simple...

Debby
02-27-2011, 10:10 PM
Could you go to another bank? If they are overweight and unattractive I don't think you have anything to worry about. Most women like that are just very desperate.

I don't think that women who are over weight and unattractive are just very desperate. I don't think what they look like has anything to do with it. Some women just like to flirt and don't care if the man is married or not. Which is just wrong of course.

dsls
03-01-2011, 02:10 AM
Hi - Well my husband and I had a good discussion about it all and although I don't think he gets that what he did was a big deal he does get that it was a big deal to me and so we have come to a working agreement on it that should solve this. Just wanted to say that I appreciated this forum being here so I could say my thoughts out loud and see if I sounded like a rational person.

Hopeless
05-27-2011, 10:43 AM
I need help.
I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do.
My current wife (married since July last year) are having serious issues. She left her highly abusive (emotionally, verbally, physically) ex husband to be with me when he threatened to kill her because she'd been talking to me (just talking), then she spent 2 years telling me she loved me and trying to get back with her ex, she finally left him last year to marry me...but after leaving him and living with me for 3 months we went back to go to her son's graduation which I was not allowed to go to because it made "him" feel uncomfortable, she slept with him which she promised me it was over. They have a very poisonous co-dependant relationship. We talked about this before getting married and I told her I understood that she'd have to talk to him because of the kids one just going in to college that I pay 1/2 for and the other is 16, but it has been almost every single day for almost the entire year and it is definitely not just about the kids. It is little chit chats, and she refers to everything as "we" and "our" when talking about the past. I have an ex of 20 years as well and when talking about the past I always refer to it as I or the kids and I, never we. I can't get her to understand that these daily talks, sometimes lasting well over an hour and sometimes up to 5-6 times a day, hurt me. She always stops whatever we are doing and immediately answers the phone. We were laying in bed last night around 9pm, being very tired, and her phone rings. We were both 1/2 asleep and she immediately answers the phone with "no no, you didn't interrupt anything". I'm tired of dealing with this. She tells me over and over that he's her friend. He abused her, raped her, burnt her with cigarettes and he's her "FRIEND"????? ***?
There's more I'm not even going in to, but I obviously have serious issues with her being around him, especially since she couldn't control herself last time. She swears it's all over and there's nothing going on, every time that phone rings or I hear her talking about him and his life, which is all the blasted time...I know more about him than his kids do...I cringe and feel like giving up on life. I tried talking to her about it and was point blank told my feelings don't matter and she'll do whatever she feels like and I'm just being jealous. DUH, of course I'm being jealous...I have every right to feel jealous.
I just need to know if I'm being over jealous? Am I being unreasonable? We've gone back numerous times birthdays, events, etc...and every time I'm "not allowed" to be around because it makes him feel uncomfortable, and so I sit in the hotel room wondering what's going on and where they are and if anything is happening. She worries more about his feelings than she does mine. I'm at my wits end.
I'm miserable.

Hopeless...

jamesglewisf
05-27-2011, 12:02 PM
Why on earth would you marry this woman? You are just going to have to figure out how to live with it. Recently divorced is infinitely different than 20 years divorced. She is bringing a lot of baggage with her that you agreed to help her carry when you married her. It is wrong for you to bail on her now.

Hopeless
05-27-2011, 12:16 PM
Because I'm an idiot obviously and was blinded by what I thought was love. I thought "she is just having problems because of all the years of abuse and if I can just get her out of that environment and in to a loving healthy relationship she'll see what it's like." Love makes you do all sorts of stupid things. Is hindsight 20/20? Yes, obviously, but I can't change the fact I married her. So my options are living with it until maybe someday she realizes what she's doing and ends it or he ends it because he gets pissy (which just leads to a lifetime of dissapointment and unhapiness on my part) or getting divorced now and trying to move on.
I've tried just sitting back and not saying anything and hoping it will take care of itself and I've tried being supportive, but this is ridiculous. Every day of our marriage this man enters my home and is with my wife via the phone?

katie
06-02-2011, 10:41 AM
Seems like now shes the one doing the abuse to you. by cheating on you with her ex and talking on the phone with him for hours?? sounds like to me the women still loves him.i think she loves you too but he had her for a long time and shes not goin to let go the only reason she left him was so he cldt hurt her anymore and you were there at the perfect time to save her. you need too talk to her about it soon, cuz most likely she is going to keep doing this too you and you will start to feel pushed away and then you will end up cheating or seeing someone else you wont mean too, just some other women will start to give you attention and you will take it cuz you wife is giving her time and love to her ex. i say get out fast but if you love her talk to her.

bettyblue
02-26-2012, 07:58 AM
So I hang out with a large group of friends and we are a mix of guys and girls. There is one girl who regardless of whether she is dating anyone or not, is a big flirt and she flirts with my boyfriend, and all the other guys in the group too.

It's the kind of flirting that most people would call 'harmless' only, I don't find it harmless, I find it quite upsetting. If we're all hanging out together she doesn't hold much interest in socialising with the girls. She seriously seeks male attention from all of the guys, including my bf. She's quite touchy-feely and after about an hour or two she ignores all of the other females in the room.

My bf and I have been going out for 10 years. He's had problems in the past with senseless jealousy which we have overcome. He's also had problems with guys flirting with me that we have also overcome - i.e. I dealt with it. Anybody who is openly, strongly flirting with me, is in my books disrespecting my bf and therefore is not someone who I want in my life.

The problem with this girl though is that she is one of our large group of close friends... I can't stand hanging out as a group when she's there because she is so flirtacious.... Even when she is not directly flirting with my man it reminds me of how little respect she has for me. The flirting is not so strong, so that I could tell her to get away from my man... I think people could argue that she is just being 'friendly'.

If I say that I don't want her to be in my life anymore, then it will cause a rift in our group of friends. If I confront her on it, she'll just play dumb, and make me out to being a jealous psycho to all of my friends.

Any help or advice?

Thanks! :)

jamesglewisf
02-26-2012, 09:19 AM
For the rest of your life you are going to have to spend time with people you don't enjoy. We all do. You are never going to change her behavior because you can't change other people. The only person you can change is yourself, so you need to think of it as an opportunity for personal growth. The reality is that she has a deep need for attention and does not know how to properly have that need met. Your job is to see her as a sheep without a shepherd, to see beyond the annoying symptom to the underlying problem. You need to learn to pity her, not to be angered by her. When you hang out with your friends and spend all of your time annoyed by her instead of enjoying your friends, the real problem is you, not her. Everyone else has learned to deal with it and move on. You need to also. She must have some redeeming qualities or the group would not keep including her. Focus on those qualities and on being a better person yourself. Otherwise, the annoying person to the group will just end up being you.

jamesglewisf
02-26-2012, 09:35 AM
I am 100% sure that there is someone in my group of friends who is truly annoyed by some aspect of my personality, because there are people in my life who annoy me. If I was thrown out of every group that had someone I annoyed, I would spend all of my time alone. And if I felt it necessary to correct the behavior of everyone who annoyed me, then everyone would hate me. I have been the over-critical, fix everyone else's problems types, and no one likes that person.

mostlyshy1
07-23-2012, 06:02 PM
I'm not sure how to start my own post so forgive me for "butting in" but

7 months ago my husband told me a younger hard bodied single female was flirting with him while I went to the ATM to get money out for our evening together. Since that time, whenever we are out and she is there, she waits until I leave his side and then approaches him where they have a "private" conversation. She always leaves when she sees me returning. The last time this happened I mentioned to him how uncomfortable it made me that they had these conversations only when she noticed I was somewhere else. He only met her a couple years ago when she was dating a mutual friend. That mutual friend has since moved to another state. I don't know of any other contact he has with her. They are facebook friends but I never see any interaction between them, however, since she is not my friend I don't know that I would see any interaction. Should I be worried? Should I "confront" her and ask her why she feels it necessary to approach him only when I leave his side - it's obvious she is watching for me to leave ... WHen I spot her, I just whisper in his ear "flirt alert" mostly just to let him know that I KNOW SHE IS THERE AND i AM WATCHING. Consequently, I don't like her and have no interest in getting to know her - no matter what her intentions are. Please advise me!

Just to clarify ... The reason we are out when we "run into her" is usually because we are mixing a local band's performance. My husband runs the sound board and I run the stage lights. Sometimes my hubby is the bassist and performs with the band and I "man the sound board and run the stage lights." In other words, we are there working at a paid gig ... and she is there as a member of the viewing public. She approaches him when one of us has to run and fix a "technicality" or during band breaks and I take a potty break, etc.

jamesglewisf
07-23-2012, 10:21 PM
Why don't you quit hanging out at this place where you encounter her?

mostlyshy1
07-24-2012, 03:47 PM
That would be difficult to do. We work with local bands mixing their sound. Therefore, I never know if she is gonna be there and we HAVE to be there ... it's our job.

Dude111
07-26-2012, 02:10 PM
Why don't you quit hanging out at this place where you encounter her?Yes this is excellent advice!!!


IF SHE IS THERE WHEN YOU GO,LEAVE!!!!!!!!

mostlyshy1
07-26-2012, 03:27 PM
Again - I can't ... when we are there we are doing a sound job mixing the band that is performing. I run the lights and he runs the mixing board. Sometimes he's the bassist in the band and I run the soundboard and the stage lights. Anyway, I take it I shouldn't approach her and just let it go ... ???