My new wife overly friendly with her ex?

[Neednhelp]

I've been married for four months. My wife seems to enjoy laughing and joking with her ex-husband instead of just talking about the business they have between each other, which is their two children. I too have children from a previous marriage, but when my ex and I talk, we speak in a civil but business-like manner and the topic stays on the children. This difference in the handling of our ex-spouses has lead to a serious problem in our relationship. My wife tells me the problem is all mine and refuses to even consider any compromise. My question is, am I wrong to feel that the conversations between my wife and her ex are not appropriate?

[blinc]

Well, before I give my opinion... could you tell us what exactly it is they're laughing and joking about? Is it just mundane things? Or is it things about their past, reminiscing about the good ol' days and the fun they had together? Does it involve any "over the line" innuendos? To me, it would really be more of what the the content was, rather then the fact that they are still civil to each other. If it's just friendly bantering, then although it would probably make me a little insecure... it would be better then having to deal with a hostile ex on a daily basis. Are you worried there might still be feelings there? Has she done anything to make you feel that way? I guess so much depends on your answers... before I'd say either way. :)

Bye the way, welcome to FrappyDoo NeednHelp. Hope we can offer some good advice, or if nothing else, provide a place for you to come on in, unwind and have a little fun time in your life too. :)

[jamesglewisf]

I agree with blinc. We need more info.

On the surface, things I would think about are and answer:[list=1] She divorced him and married you.
Did these discussions happen while you were dating, courting, and engaged to her? If so, did you discuss them then? What led you to believe it would change after marriage?
Does it sound like flirting or friendly discussion?
Does she talk in the same manner with other men? In other words, is she just a friendly person who likes to talk?
Are you asking her to turn off an aspect of her personality that you enjoy?
Are they discussing anything real personal or just chatting? I joke and laugh with women at work all the time, but I don't spend time alone with them or discuss personal problems.
Do you spend time listening to her, joking and laughing with her, etc.? Women need husbands who listen to them and enjoy their conversation.
Does she spend time alone with him? I don't think your wife should spend time alone with any man other than you or her family members. The same goes with you and other women.
How long were they married?
How long have they been divorced?
How long did you date?
How long were you engaged?[/list=1]

[jamesglewisf]

BTW, I'm not siding with anybody. Answers to those questions will help us discuss your question.

[Lisa]

I understand. I'm fried when my husband is laughing with his ex. She is nasty to him on a regular basis so on the off chance they end up laughing or whatever - I'm fried and totally insecure. You can legitimize their "laughter" and all but it still hurts. It still makes you wonder. But, she DID chose YOU! Don't forget that. At this early stage of your marriage, try not to make a big deal of it but tell her that it makes you feel "small" when she does that. Ask what they are talking about? Tell her you just can't understand - your relationship with your ex isn't like that. Talk to her. Listen to her. :) It gets better, trust me.

[jamesglewisf]

:) Great response, Lisa. Very insightful. :)

[jodyb_72401]

This was a big problem for me and my ex wife also. A girl I use to date ended up pregnatnt with my child my exwife encoraged me to find out if it was mine or not, turns out it was my child. My ex would get mad alot of times, when i got along with my oldest girls mother, but it wasn't becouse I loved her or anything but I wanted to get along with her for my lttle girl. And avoided fighting with her as much as possible, and didn't take my wifes feelings into considerration alot of times. ( and by the way my spelling sucks) I am just saying this out of my own views on life It is better to get along with ex when kids or involved. But u still have to take into consideration on your new marrage. And sometimes u feel torn into two differents pieces over things like this. My ex had a so from a earlier relationship he lived out of town my step sonn was like 2 and when his dad came to see him me and my ex would give him keys to the house and we would leave for the day so my step son could spend time with his dad one on one. But i don't know if this helped any but i hope he did. How old are your step kids?

[Joelwrow]

Did you get married in the middle of the night after meeting at a Las vegas bar?

My point is -- this cannot be new behavior. She must have been doing this while you were dating, Yes?

You have to live with it now kiddo - I think you have a real problem. Guys and girls who have had sex, cannot be buddy buddy for very long. Given the right time and place -- things happen.

[clarebear]

I wouldn't worry too much about the laughter. I laugh and joke with my ex and I can't stand him. Sometimes it is just easier to keep the peace and remain civil. I was married for many years and there is a lot of history there. We share a son together and it is easier to remain 'friends' although it is very superficial. It is not a big deal to ask my ex how his day is (although I really could care less). It is just good relations and it makes things simpler. I have joint custody so I have to talk to him all the time about drop off times, doctor appointments and school. It doesn't hurt to add a little conversation in sometimes. ( I like to know how it is for my son when he is there) Sometimes my ex will tell me about something that is going on with a family member. (they were my family for a long time) I think a few laughs and conversation creates an easier business relationship. Keep in mind, she married YOU. It is much better for her to be getting along with her ex than to be complaining about what a jerk he is. (she probably already told you all that) I don't think they will have sex as suggested. Hey, I didn't want to have sex with my ex when I was married to him and I sure wouldn't want to do it now! It really is just a matter of keeping a peaceful relationship and nothing more.

* I just noticed this was asked 4 years old! |:o I wonder how they are doing?

[Teresa]

Good question, clarebear. I wish he'd post back and let us know. {dizzy}

[theyeti]

4 years old I wouldn't count on it ;)

[hi_stk_n]

My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We have 5 kids between us. His now 20, 16 and 13. Mine 20 and 16. When we were first married his ex wife called him all the time. Each time he got off the phone he complained about her calling all the time. Over the last year the phone calls have become 5-7 times a day. I had always thought that it was just her calling him before recently and he had quit coplaining about it and talks very friendly with her. She is also remarried. The last three months or so I have been keeping more track of how often he is calling her. About 75-85 times a month, not counting all the times that she is calling him.

When I tell him that I don't like it and that it is not necessary to talk to her that often , he gets upset with me qand tells me that she is his friend and I need to get over my insecurities. It doesn't matter where we are the phone calls continue. The worst part to me is that they are stupid senseless calls such as, her calling to ask what time something comes on tv, or she is on her way somewhere and wants him to give her directions etc.

I feel that there is truly nothing going on between them. But I also feel that since I have told him how much it bothers me, he should slow down on the calls and tell her to call her husband with those types of questions.

Even if he doesn't understand why I am insecure about it, just the fact that I am should mean something to him.

This is truly ruining our marriage. Am I being to sensitive? IS this normal behavior? DOes it show a total lack of feelings for me?

What can I do?

[jamesglewisf]

Here's what I would tell you: Did he talk to her before you were married? When you marry someone with an ex, this is what you might get.

Here's what I would tell him: You have a new wife now. You shouldn't be talking to any woman, other than your wife, sister, aunt, or mother that much on the phone.

I think you two should go to marriage counseling.

[hi_stk_n]

To answer your question, yes they did talk alot before we were married, but 1. the kids were 7 years younger then and I will admit the talk was more necessary and 2. It was easier to handle because he complained about her calling more than I did. 3. Now he initiates probably a third of the calls.

Now because I am so insecure and feel that the calling is so unnecessary, I have become a nagging wife. If he goes outside, I look out the window to see if he is on the phone. I know that sounds terrible, but 6 out of 7 times he is on the phone with her.

I guess my biggest problem is that I feel he is choosing his "friendship" with his ex wife over our marriage.

[Justawoman]

Who do you actually have the problem with? Do you trust your husband? Is the problem more with you or him or her?

Personally I don't believe nagging will get you anywhere. If he hasn't stopped the talking to her via phone and he knows how it upsets you then he isn't going to stop any time soon. Sounds like you need to come to terms, somehow, with his friendship with her.

Has his friendship with her actually disrupted your marriage? Does he neglect you? If you are just jealous then tell him that and deal with your jealousy. Don't let it rule you.

Maybe you need to become friends with her as well and initiate a conversation when she calls asking for him. Ask her how she has been? What she has been up too. Take the upperhand here and make a positive move to reassure yourself that nothing but friendship is going on.

[hi_stk_n]

I do trust my husband.

I feel that she is using him. I feel that she should turn to her husband not mine when she needs anything not related to the kids.

As far as neglect no, but that fact that we can't go to a movie together without her calling 3 times in the course of the movie is disruptive. We went to a wedding reception for my cousin Saturday night and we had not been there 10 minutes and she had already called. I feel that he should take the initiciative to tell her that we are busy and not to call unless it is an emergency.

As far as trying to be friends with her, we go to their house for birthday parties for the kids and have even gone to parties for her husband etc. The problem with you saying to try to talk to her when she calls is impossible, because she never calls our home, she calls his cell phone.

The once every two or three months that is is necessary to talk to my ex, I call and speak to him or his wife, which ever answers the phone.

I guess that is why I have such a hard time understanding their need to speak 6-7 times a day. I can't imagine any reason to talk to my ex, even once a month.

I do agree that I am the one letting it ruin our marriage. As long as I never ask why she called or what their conversation was about then we pretty much get along fine.

I guess what I question is if he is talking to her instead of me.

[jamesglewisf]

I guess what I question is if he is talking to her instead of me.
That's a fair question. Your spouse is supposed to be your best friend. That said, lot's of men talk to other men about things they wouldn't discuss with their wives. I don't understand why, but it happens.

[hi_stk_n]

If he was talking to other friends that are men I wouldn't mind. It the fact that it is his ex wife.

Posting this has helped me alot.

I talked to him tonight and told him that I had come to the realization, that I could not change him, he didn't want to change or see the need to change, regardless of my feelings.

I told him that me trying to force the issue and asking him about every conversation with her was not helping, but in actually pushing him farther away.

I told him that I needed to either accept that or decide just how much I was willing to put up with to keep our marriage together.

We are going to sit down tomorrow and think about options and or compromise. If we can't come to a happy median, then we may try seperating for awhile.

He did tell me tonight that the reason he shuts me out of his conversation with her are because they are often times discussing his 20 year old son that we have had alot of major issue with and that he is trying to shelter and protect me from having to deal with those issues.

I told him, if he just said we are discussing issue with son, I would understand more. I have never complained much about those types of phone calls. Only the silly ones about what is on tv, directions to a place, etc.

Thanks to everyone for your comments and opinions, they truly have helped me.

[Justawoman]

You know his excuse of saying he is trying to protect you from dealing with the issues surrounding his 20 year old son would be enough to make me very angry with my spouse.

My husband, two years ago, began to have health changes. He would not talk about them and pushed me away. I was not blind or dumb. I knew something was up with him. He let me believe and feed my fears that something else other than his feeling bad was going on. I came out blatantly and asked him once if there was someone else. He quietly dismissed me with a no and ignored my fears. He didn't solve my anxiety only added to it.

When he finally did tell me, after seeing our doctor, what was wrong with him I was relieved but still hurt. I needlessly suffered for something he should have been willing and able to share with me.

So by him trying to shelter you he is actually feeding your fears. Granted a health problem is not the same as a child but the fears are the same. I hope he realizes you need to know what is going on whether or not you are in the decision making process or not. Good luck.

[jamesglewisf]

You are his helpmate (likewise he is yours). You should be the person he is leaning on regarding problems with his son.

[Justawoman]

Exactly James.

[DataJack]

I have a 25 yr old son who is a crack head. To say that he has been a problem would be an understatement. My wife is not the mother of my son. Yet she has been my source of strength and power when it came to coping with his problem.

All through the time he was in jail for a double car jacking and while out on parole she supported me in whatever I decided to do. Except when it would have not been a wise thing to do and then she showed me the error of my ways.

Your husband should be depending on you for advice, as James put it as "leaning."

If my wife ever chose not to come to me if something bad was happening I would be very hurt. And she feels the same way about bad things in my life. We are a team and as a team we face adversity together, not on our own. Together as a team we persevere and eventually win.

As far as his ex calling for ANY other reason besides the kids they have is, as far as I am concerned, a no-no.
They may not have emotionally cut the ties. But the more he comes to you with problems the less bound he will become to her.
I talk to my sons mom about once every 5 years, and thats just fine by me.

[ladybug56]

I agree with all of the above. Partner's= two people sharing everything & not feeling lonely or isolated.

[QUOTE]
[QUOTE=DataJack]I have a 25 yr old son who is a crack head. To say that he has been a problem would be an understatement. My wife is not the mother of my son. Yet she has been my source of strength and power when it came to coping with his problem.

All through the time he was in jail for a double car jacking and while out on parole she supported me in whatever I decided to do. Except when it would have not been a wise thing to do and then she showed me the error of my ways.

I'm sorry to hear about your son Data, I can imagine how painful this is for you & your wife. Keep optimistic. There is hope.

[PhilJ]

My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We have 5 kids between us. His now 20, 16 and 13. Mine 20 and 16. When we were first married his ex wife called him all the time. Each time he got off the phone he complained about her calling all the time. Over the last year the phone calls have become 5-7 times a day. I had always thought that it was just her calling him before recently and he had quit coplaining about it and talks very friendly with her. She is also remarried. The last three months or so I have been keeping more track of how often he is calling her. About 75-85 times a month, not counting all the times that she is calling him.

When I tell him that I don't like it and that it is not necessary to talk to her that often , he gets upset with me qand tells me that she is his friend and I need to get over my insecurities. It doesn't matter where we are the phone calls continue. The worst part to me is that they are stupid senseless calls such as, her calling to ask what time something comes on tv, or she is on her way somewhere and wants him to give her directions etc.

I feel that there is truly nothing going on between them. But I also feel that since I have told him how much it bothers me, he should slow down on the calls and tell her to call her husband with those types of questions.

Even if he doesn't understand why I am insecure about it, just the fact that I am should mean something to him.

This is truly ruining our marriage. Am I being to sensitive? IS this normal behavior? DOes it show a total lack of feelings for me?

What can I do?

Personally I feel it is very inconsiderate and disrespectful of your new husband and his ex wife to speak as often as they do. If they needed to be such close friends they should have stay married. Your husband should put your feelings first, not hers. I just dont think we need to go there with anything more than a business relationship with a ex spouse. We have to be honest with ourself that not all of our previous marriages were all bad and we might have loved our ex's a great deal. We need to leave those feelings in the past and keep our love focused on our present spouses. I agree ex's should remain cordial for their childrens sake, but nothing more.

[Phantom]

I have been there and it doesn't get any better. You are on the losing end of a downhill battle. If your partial wife (she hasn't accepted the divorce yet) can't see what she is doing on her own (I don't believe this for a nano second) if you tell her it will be a sure source of resentment that you made her into something that she isn't down the road. I feel for you. Good luck